Lord Tedders' back on his trading blog! His comeback post: Time For Changes
Maybe I did mention to him that one is supposed to be able to write what he/she wants to on his/her own diary. I don't remember anymore, coz for a long time now, I've not been able to vent on mine.
My general motto towards life has always been to "MOVE ON". Shit happens to everyone, no one is spared - some get it more frequently than they think they can bear; the lucky ones get it maybe just once a year (like during Xmas and Chinese New Year). So I don't ask, "WHY ME?" - especially when I"m usually the one that cause bad things to happen in my life and to those around me.
So, unless I think that venting on my blog after crying alone helps get the toxins out of my system, I do not document unhappy moments on this personal journal of mine.
When I read this a few years down the road, I don't want to see an angry, out-of-control monster.
And I don't want a certain someone to have to read about all the things that make me perpetually mad, and sad.
But the fact remains that I am an angry person in a constant state of depression. I don't think it has anything to do with my trading full time. Maybe I'm born depressed, and I happened to have chosen just the job for me.
On Mar 04 2008, something really, really bad came to light. A chain of events took place after that that had me taking a good, hard look at myself. It was then that I realized I never grew beyond 16. I never grew out of being Daddy's girl, even after Dad has passed on for 15 years.
All I can say now is that I'm broken. Maybe I'll never be repaired. Maybe I'll never be able to contribute to society, or make a difference in anyone's life.
But life goes on.
It has to.
Maybe I did mention to him that one is supposed to be able to write what he/she wants to on his/her own diary. I don't remember anymore, coz for a long time now, I've not been able to vent on mine.
My general motto towards life has always been to "MOVE ON". Shit happens to everyone, no one is spared - some get it more frequently than they think they can bear; the lucky ones get it maybe just once a year (like during Xmas and Chinese New Year). So I don't ask, "WHY ME?" - especially when I"m usually the one that cause bad things to happen in my life and to those around me.
So, unless I think that venting on my blog after crying alone helps get the toxins out of my system, I do not document unhappy moments on this personal journal of mine.
When I read this a few years down the road, I don't want to see an angry, out-of-control monster.
And I don't want a certain someone to have to read about all the things that make me perpetually mad, and sad.
But the fact remains that I am an angry person in a constant state of depression. I don't think it has anything to do with my trading full time. Maybe I'm born depressed, and I happened to have chosen just the job for me.
On Mar 04 2008, something really, really bad came to light. A chain of events took place after that that had me taking a good, hard look at myself. It was then that I realized I never grew beyond 16. I never grew out of being Daddy's girl, even after Dad has passed on for 15 years.
All I can say now is that I'm broken. Maybe I'll never be repaired. Maybe I'll never be able to contribute to society, or make a difference in anyone's life.
But life goes on.
It has to.
6 comments:
Everyone have a feeling of being broken, only thing is that you have started to become conscious of it. You will never be repaired because there is nothing to repair, it's just a feeling. That feeling is just our fiction but it look as reality.
"Contribute to society, difference in anyone's life" you got to ask what is so special in that so you want it. Those are not your real soul needs but some kind of projections. If somebody tell you that you are making difference in his life you wouldn't believe it anyway. So again it's all based on your feelings. It would be more correct to say "feeling of being able to contribute to society", "feeling that you make difference in anyone's life".
I can't say much more because I'm not past that level also. :)
Hey Jules,
Look back to a time when you felt the same feeling, similar in level of pain. Now think of a time between then and now when you've felt on top of the world- even for an instant.
If you could move from being broken to being happy then, you can do it now. :)
Just think of it as a drawdown in the uptrending equity curve of your life!
I deal with things by candy coating them! Something you don't do much in your blog, and I appreciate it. Trade on!
Charlie
Jules,
Thanks for the welcome back.
Sometimes coping isn't enough. Have you looked into getting some help for your depression?
My wife was going through some bad times this past year. She'd been trying to bury problems that have been around for many years. Finally, things snapped for her. She was either going to kill herself or get some help. I didn't really understand what was so bad in her life. It wasn't logical in anyway, and she could see that. But it didn't matter. Finally we got her some help (therapy, zoloft). I think she has turned a corner.
Anyway, not to get too personal. But sometimes "dealing" with it doesn't work.
LT
I have to agree with Lord Tedders, real depression is an illness, not a feeling. There may be a medical answer awaiting you. See your physician first. Best to you..
I myself have went through the great depression, :P, and am entering the greater depression. Just kidding, I'm not sure if I'm better now, or if this is temporary, but I do feel much better ever since I started to treat myself better, because I've been too hard on myself my entire life that now I owe it to myself to be selfish, so fuck everyone else. Well, now that I love myself more, I found that I now have room to love others, and the hate that I use to have is dwindling.
Trading is very stressful and can easily trigger an episode, so I think depressed people like us really need to plan and anticipate losses, to keep the mind strong by constantly analyzing mistakes, and never give up especially on maintaining self control. Both for health and the pocket book.
Jules, your blog has been very helpful, and inspirational to me, so keep it up as you've made a difference in my life. Thanks!
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