Letter To Harry

Dear Harry,

Thanks for your email. It's very sweet. :-)

I'm sorry I've caused you to feel down. Apparently I'm not the only that feels others' pain.

My mum called and said she's lost her job, having problem with her eyes, and is scheduled for a brain scan. She's lonely and depressed, and asked if I am feeling depressed too. I told her to stop asking me questions like these, although I know she's just concerned. We know mine is a genetic condition. My dad killed himself. On my mum's side, 2 of her 3 siblings have taken their own lives. So, it runs in the family, and I'm worried for her too. She's caused a lot of pain to the family in the past, so my siblings and I have not been close to her. But still, she's my mother. Her situation makes me feel immensely sad. Since I don't know how to talk nice to her, I text her after we've hung up, and told her to think happy thoughts. Seabloke said she would call her too, and that makes me happy.

I then began to think why I don't do what I preach: to think happy thoughts. I get sad so readily it baffles me. I see a bird dying in the middle of the road, or a cat limping, or a handicapped sitting on a busy street by his electric piano eating from a Styrofoam lunch box, and I can feel sad for weeks. The bird - I didn't get the image out of my mind for years. A few weeks ago, I took a dragonfly that's hurt home. D said it looked like its time was near. I couldn't get myself to just leave it outside, so I put it in a box high up on the shelf so my cats couldn't reach it, gave it water and breadcrumbs, and hoped it would get back some energy and maybe pull through. It died the very night. D said I should have left it outside so I didn't have to watch it die. But to me, at least it didn't have to be exposed to the elements that night. It saddens me to see helplessness and hopelessness. Things seemingly trivial to others make me feel terribly sad, so sad that it will get me questioning the purpose that we're here - all we living things. Are we here just to make earth a happening place, and we have to die so the next generation can give it a brand new look?

About me being tough - yes I am. Quite a bitch in fact.

Totally explains why I'm confused....

Seriously, I think I know I have to be tough coz I understand that we are fundamentally lonely beings. We are on our own, whether we like it or not. We came alone, and will leave alone. That's about the only 2 facts that can never ever be refuted. I've learned from young to not depend, and along the way, I've also learned to not expect.

Thank you for thinking that I'm a sweet girl. I usually don't take that as a compliment. But for you, I'll make an exception. :-)

I'll make an effort to banish negative thoughts.But if sometimes I can't help but have to dump my frustrations on my blog, I don't want you to be affected.

Thanks for having been a great friend.