Take Me

I wish I were dead.

Every morning, I wake up cursing "Damn!! I'm still alive!"

I fit the profile of someone who will die in her sleep.

And that's the way I want to go - without having to say good-byes, without having to go through the whole ritual of regretting what I have not accomplished in my life, of counting the wrongs I have done, of fearing the unknown of the after-life. And no sorries to say to anyone.

I am not afraid to die. Only people who have things they can't leave behind fear death. I have nothing that I can't leave behind. I do not worry for Alberto and Keisha coz they will be well taken care of.

What I am afraid of is the process of dying. Just holding my breath for one minute gives me an idea of how unbearably painful it feels when our cells stop getting the oxygen that they need. And how terrifying and hopeless and helpless it must be in the moments when life is fading away, to know that you're going to be no more.

So I lived everyday waiting for my life to be ended without my knowledge. Meantime, I tried to be useful.

But I no longer want to.

I no longer want to wait.

And all that I need to do is to allow my heart and blood pressure to do what they have been doing prior to all these wasteful intervention.

I don't see a point in fighting anymore.

Not when the one I'm fighting is You.

You created me depressed and physically weak. If until now I haven't been able to use these to benefit anyone, I don't want to stay.

I see very clearly now, why I was born.

It is to show that You are God, and You can do whatever You want, and You don't owe us an explanation for why we turn out to be the way we are, and what purpose we serve on earth. You made us, and our duty is to live for as long as You plan for us to. Now and then we are thrown some curve balls, and sometimes we don't even know who has thrown them. Then You watch how we react.

I have always said my thanksgiving for everything that I've been given - both good and bad. I've thanked You for the way I am - defiant, dark, domineering, deceiving, unrelenting, unloving - coz I can't help but don't want to be anyone else despite my disturbing flaws.

As a child, I always thought I would grow up to be an outstanding figure. I am not the kind of person who accepts mediocrity. I wanted to be the best in everything I do, and in the fastest time ever achieved by anyone. I gather You wrote that on my DNA.

I also wanted to be a perfect wife.

I stopped to look at my life today, and realized that I have achieved nothing, and owned nothing.

My whole life has been a failure and a joke.

I am a complete and perfect failure.

So, take me, Father, in my sleep. I don't want to die sick, old and wretched. I don't want to die only when I start having a life - if I ever am going to have one - when I have too much to leave behind.

I am writing this on my blog and if this is not strong enough a plea, I don't know what else to do.

Why do you do this to me? To make me part monster and part human? What's the purpose of my existence? Besides to inflict pain and to feel pain.

To feel human?

Is that what my life has been about?