Last night, I made up my mind not to dump all my thoughts here, and to focus on getting back on track with my trading.
For the first time in months, I find myself unable to concentrate. There's so much going on in my head that if I don't unload them, there wouldn't be any space for constructive thoughts.
I struggle each and everyday to act, think, and speak like a person with a sound mind. Fighting my dark thoughts is something I have to do almost the instant I take my eyes off my charts.
I have no one I want to share my thoughts and feelings with because I don't want to freak anyone out, and I don't want to put them on the spot. If anyone were to ask me on any given day how I'm doing, I'll say I'm good.
Nobody really wants to know how the others are doing. They just pray that their lives are rosy. No one wants to see their friends in pain. And no one really wants to be told of a problem he/she can't help to resolve.
If someone were to tell me that she is heartbroken, feels hopeless, and that there's no joy in her heart, but lacks nothing that she needs to survive and lives a life of material abundance, I wouldn't know what to say to make her feel better.
For a person like that, is there anything that you can do to help?
No.
If she is in real trouble - hasn't a roof over her head, is constantly battered by her husband, or got mugged and calls me for help - I'll know exactly what to do and will do something immediately.
But if she were to tell me that she feels alone, and that her world is so cold and dark and hopeless that she wants out everyday, I'll be stumped. I'll not know what to say. I can't tell her that there are real sufferings in the world, and that she needs to just compare her life with that of those living in poverty, in fear, and in captivity, to know how blessed she is.
I mean, can anyone define and describe a truly blessed life?
I used to follow a blog written by a girl - a teenager - who lived in Baghdad, Iraq. Her strength and will to live and live with hope and joy everyday captivated me.
She'll blog about how while her mother and aunts were preparing dinner for a family get together one day, that a suicide bomber blew up a car on the street where she lived, and their kitchen windows were hit by shrapnels from the explosion, and yet the family had a totally bracing evening filled with love, joy and care for one another, albeit in total darkness.
Members of this extended family have such a strong bond they walk to one another's home everyday, facing the risk of being blown up by one of the many suicide bombing attempts made daily.
And she'll write about the things she talks about with her good friend, her mother, her aunts and uncles and cousins. Small talks that are so delightfully heartwarming, cheery, full of hope yet so trivial, it would never have occurred to you that the ones sharing them might not even get to see each other again once they parted.
So, I began thinking, when you feel that your days are numbered, when your external world is in chaos and your life in threat daily, when there's a chance that you might not see those who matter to you ever again, do you tend to cherish every single moment you're breathing, all your hopes and dreams, and all the people you care about; and would you tend to be more understanding, more accommodating, more appreciative and more tender in your dealing with those around you?
Would you complain less and laugh more?
Would you wake up every morning thanking God that He's kept the family safe to see another day?
Would you think you're blessed?
I had stumbled upon her blog when I was doing some research for my previous job. It was a job I love, but it calls for a dissociation with life.
7 years on the job and I was sane.
Once out, I find myself losing balance, and yearning for something that I've given up a long time ago. I had reasons for giving it up, and what I need to do now is to believe that I gave it up for good reason.
One can never ask to be loved by a specific someone.
You can't make him, you can't force him, and you definitely can't beg him to.
What you can do is find happiness elsewhere.
But if he happens to be your world, your peace, your only joy - then you're just doomed.
Do I feel better now?
Most definitely.
I should kick myself for not writing earlier.
Now I can go out for a minty, refreshing smoke, and purge all remnants of my weakness and useless longings, and come back and start looking into S&P mid cap (Thank you, again, Solfest, for telling me about EMD) and conquer ES!
I don't care that I have to say it a thousand times to make it come true - I'll say it over and over until I become IT - some thing with no guilt, conscience, shame, longing, hope and fear.
Yes, a war machine.
A brilliant one.
For the first time in months, I find myself unable to concentrate. There's so much going on in my head that if I don't unload them, there wouldn't be any space for constructive thoughts.
I struggle each and everyday to act, think, and speak like a person with a sound mind. Fighting my dark thoughts is something I have to do almost the instant I take my eyes off my charts.
I have no one I want to share my thoughts and feelings with because I don't want to freak anyone out, and I don't want to put them on the spot. If anyone were to ask me on any given day how I'm doing, I'll say I'm good.
Nobody really wants to know how the others are doing. They just pray that their lives are rosy. No one wants to see their friends in pain. And no one really wants to be told of a problem he/she can't help to resolve.
If someone were to tell me that she is heartbroken, feels hopeless, and that there's no joy in her heart, but lacks nothing that she needs to survive and lives a life of material abundance, I wouldn't know what to say to make her feel better.
For a person like that, is there anything that you can do to help?
No.
If she is in real trouble - hasn't a roof over her head, is constantly battered by her husband, or got mugged and calls me for help - I'll know exactly what to do and will do something immediately.
But if she were to tell me that she feels alone, and that her world is so cold and dark and hopeless that she wants out everyday, I'll be stumped. I'll not know what to say. I can't tell her that there are real sufferings in the world, and that she needs to just compare her life with that of those living in poverty, in fear, and in captivity, to know how blessed she is.
I mean, can anyone define and describe a truly blessed life?
I used to follow a blog written by a girl - a teenager - who lived in Baghdad, Iraq. Her strength and will to live and live with hope and joy everyday captivated me.
She'll blog about how while her mother and aunts were preparing dinner for a family get together one day, that a suicide bomber blew up a car on the street where she lived, and their kitchen windows were hit by shrapnels from the explosion, and yet the family had a totally bracing evening filled with love, joy and care for one another, albeit in total darkness.
Members of this extended family have such a strong bond they walk to one another's home everyday, facing the risk of being blown up by one of the many suicide bombing attempts made daily.
And she'll write about the things she talks about with her good friend, her mother, her aunts and uncles and cousins. Small talks that are so delightfully heartwarming, cheery, full of hope yet so trivial, it would never have occurred to you that the ones sharing them might not even get to see each other again once they parted.
So, I began thinking, when you feel that your days are numbered, when your external world is in chaos and your life in threat daily, when there's a chance that you might not see those who matter to you ever again, do you tend to cherish every single moment you're breathing, all your hopes and dreams, and all the people you care about; and would you tend to be more understanding, more accommodating, more appreciative and more tender in your dealing with those around you?
Would you complain less and laugh more?
Would you wake up every morning thanking God that He's kept the family safe to see another day?
Would you think you're blessed?
I had stumbled upon her blog when I was doing some research for my previous job. It was a job I love, but it calls for a dissociation with life.
7 years on the job and I was sane.
Once out, I find myself losing balance, and yearning for something that I've given up a long time ago. I had reasons for giving it up, and what I need to do now is to believe that I gave it up for good reason.
One can never ask to be loved by a specific someone.
You can't make him, you can't force him, and you definitely can't beg him to.
What you can do is find happiness elsewhere.
But if he happens to be your world, your peace, your only joy - then you're just doomed.
Do I feel better now?
Most definitely.
I should kick myself for not writing earlier.
Now I can go out for a minty, refreshing smoke, and purge all remnants of my weakness and useless longings, and come back and start looking into S&P mid cap (Thank you, again, Solfest, for telling me about EMD) and conquer ES!
I don't care that I have to say it a thousand times to make it come true - I'll say it over and over until I become IT - some thing with no guilt, conscience, shame, longing, hope and fear.
Yes, a war machine.
A brilliant one.
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