Took some time off to clear my mind, and started reading things that have nothing to do with the market and politics.
Chanced upon an article that talks about what happens when a person dies.
A topic that has always fascinated me.
Yes, I'm obsessed with "Death" and generally with the notion of "Existence".
I'm constantly imagining what it feels like to NOT exist.
Since I was 4, I've been afraid that my father would die, as if I really understood what "death" meant. Every night before I slept, I would lament having lived another day, coz that would mean that my father was 1 day older and 1 day nearer to dying. I was constantly torn between wanting to grow up so that I could start buying whatever I wanted (back then it was just chips, fries and coke - which were banned in my home), and wanting time to stop so my father won't ever grow old. I never felt happy on his birthdays, for obvious reason.
In fact, I'm starting to think that maybe my fixation on what's to become of him when he vanishes from the face of earth was what invited the bad karma....he died young.
2 weeks before he took his own life, I had a dream about him jumping off a building. I was in Edmonton, 20 hours' flight away from him. I couldn't stop thinking about the nightmare, and I couldn't tell anyone about it. I have a history of predicting events in my dreams and whenever I told people, including my doctor, I would get a look that I wouldn't find very flattering.
Years after my father died, I began to explore "soul travelling".
Since I was 17, I've had countless episodes of finding myself consciously aware of everything happening around me when I was supposed to be deep in slumber. It was years later that I learnt about "out of body experience".
In the first few years of such occurrences (which was as frequent as a few times a week and sometimes twice a day), with my body lying still on my bed (yes I could see myself), I would wonder around the house and check out my roommate (not that I intentionally wanted to, I just drifted there).
When I woke up (which is always a terrible struggle - I would be all ready to get up but my body would just refuse to respond according to my will), I would tell my roommate what she was doing, writing and talking about while I was fast asleep on my bed.
She got used to it eventually (and she's still my best friend today, after almost 12 years that we graduated).
But what happened was always involuntary and I always felt helpless and totally lost as to where I was going to be transported to (I've been among stars and in tunnels which doesn't stop winding).
So I decided that rather than being yanked out of my body against my will, I shall control when I want to leave my body, and where I would go.
And the ONLY place I ever wanted to go was wherever my father was, and I always thought he had taken residence among the stars in the sky.
It took me half a year of practising daily the method taught in books. I always failed whenever I became aware that I was actually out of my body. On one occasion, I actually told myself not to think about it, and, voila, I was wide awake. My last attempt was the furthest I ever got to - I actually floated a few inches above my body and saw myself and D. Then the awareness factor kicked in, as usual - I realized I was out, and I woke up immediately.
That was 5 years ago. I learnt later that it wasn't exactly the kind of thing that normal people do, and that it's not what God wants us to do. I got rid of all the books and material on soul travel, and started going to church.
For 13 years, I - or more precisely, my soul - have been to places that I couldn't even identify til today. I've heard sounds so loud I cannot find anything on earth to compare it with, and stillness so quiet I've never heard it anywhere in this world we live in (even in Edmonton, where it could get so quiet in the house my father bought in the suburb - where I lived alone at 16 - that I could hear my own heartbeat every night). Sadly, I could hardly call it an adventure, coz I sure didn't enjoy any part of it, and was in perpetual fear of being "taken" forever.
This is the 5th year that I've been left alone. But I'll never stop wanting to know where exactly were those places I've been to, with colors I've never seen before, and structures and sounds I doubt I will ever find the words to describe.
And I still want to know where my father is now. What happened to him after he died?
Chanced upon an article that talks about what happens when a person dies.
A topic that has always fascinated me.
Yes, I'm obsessed with "Death" and generally with the notion of "Existence".
I'm constantly imagining what it feels like to NOT exist.
Since I was 4, I've been afraid that my father would die, as if I really understood what "death" meant. Every night before I slept, I would lament having lived another day, coz that would mean that my father was 1 day older and 1 day nearer to dying. I was constantly torn between wanting to grow up so that I could start buying whatever I wanted (back then it was just chips, fries and coke - which were banned in my home), and wanting time to stop so my father won't ever grow old. I never felt happy on his birthdays, for obvious reason.
In fact, I'm starting to think that maybe my fixation on what's to become of him when he vanishes from the face of earth was what invited the bad karma....he died young.
2 weeks before he took his own life, I had a dream about him jumping off a building. I was in Edmonton, 20 hours' flight away from him. I couldn't stop thinking about the nightmare, and I couldn't tell anyone about it. I have a history of predicting events in my dreams and whenever I told people, including my doctor, I would get a look that I wouldn't find very flattering.
Years after my father died, I began to explore "soul travelling".
Since I was 17, I've had countless episodes of finding myself consciously aware of everything happening around me when I was supposed to be deep in slumber. It was years later that I learnt about "out of body experience".
In the first few years of such occurrences (which was as frequent as a few times a week and sometimes twice a day), with my body lying still on my bed (yes I could see myself), I would wonder around the house and check out my roommate (not that I intentionally wanted to, I just drifted there).
When I woke up (which is always a terrible struggle - I would be all ready to get up but my body would just refuse to respond according to my will), I would tell my roommate what she was doing, writing and talking about while I was fast asleep on my bed.
She got used to it eventually (and she's still my best friend today, after almost 12 years that we graduated).
But what happened was always involuntary and I always felt helpless and totally lost as to where I was going to be transported to (I've been among stars and in tunnels which doesn't stop winding).
So I decided that rather than being yanked out of my body against my will, I shall control when I want to leave my body, and where I would go.
And the ONLY place I ever wanted to go was wherever my father was, and I always thought he had taken residence among the stars in the sky.
It took me half a year of practising daily the method taught in books. I always failed whenever I became aware that I was actually out of my body. On one occasion, I actually told myself not to think about it, and, voila, I was wide awake. My last attempt was the furthest I ever got to - I actually floated a few inches above my body and saw myself and D. Then the awareness factor kicked in, as usual - I realized I was out, and I woke up immediately.
That was 5 years ago. I learnt later that it wasn't exactly the kind of thing that normal people do, and that it's not what God wants us to do. I got rid of all the books and material on soul travel, and started going to church.
For 13 years, I - or more precisely, my soul - have been to places that I couldn't even identify til today. I've heard sounds so loud I cannot find anything on earth to compare it with, and stillness so quiet I've never heard it anywhere in this world we live in (even in Edmonton, where it could get so quiet in the house my father bought in the suburb - where I lived alone at 16 - that I could hear my own heartbeat every night). Sadly, I could hardly call it an adventure, coz I sure didn't enjoy any part of it, and was in perpetual fear of being "taken" forever.
This is the 5th year that I've been left alone. But I'll never stop wanting to know where exactly were those places I've been to, with colors I've never seen before, and structures and sounds I doubt I will ever find the words to describe.
And I still want to know where my father is now. What happened to him after he died?
5 comments:
Hi Jules,
Church is not where you will find any answer for your described 'problems'. It is a 'problem' according to the Church doctrine but it is just a normal human state of being if you widen your view just a little bit. Soul travel or astral travel is normal for a more tune-in people i.e. your soul frequency is just more sensitive than an everage person. I had a couple of out of body exp. no big deal. "it's not what God wants us to do" did God tell you that in person? or it's just somebody told you so. If any, God wants you to be happy and if you still have questions after all of this time it's time to find the right source for the right answer. I think you can find a piece of the puzzle in this video
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html
Jules,
That's pretty deep thought. And no easy answers.
I too have had an on again, off again interest in "astral travel" or out of body experiences. For awhile I spent time attempting to direct them but found it difficult.
I'm not a church going person so I can't comment on that, but my perception of things is that most people avoid things they can't explain easily.
There have definately been unexplainable phenomenon in my life including seemingly impossible synchronicities, out of body experiences, insights, dreams etc. Are these "real" or simply possible realities or simply a complete figment of my imagination?
At one time I used to seek out these strange phenomena. However, I found that they provided few solid answers. For right or for wrong I have shifted my focus to more understandable things, knowing that my thoughts and feelings can affect reality (i.e. trading) is much easier for me to handle.
And for myself I think it is easier to believe that I just can't know for certain what will happen when I die. And isn't that so like life?
LT
Thanks, Cory, for your note and link to the video.
You're right, church doesn't always give answers. More often than not, it makes you ask more questions :-)
I have left out many details in my blog that would have explained why I finally dropped the idea of pursuing astral travel, and why I think that astral projection is not what God wants ME to do.
You see, during the period that I was practising the art of getting out of my own body, I would wake up in the middle of the night with excruciating leg cramps that left me screaming, crying, and gasping for breath. Each of these episodes would last anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes and by the time it's over, I would find myself drenched in my own cold sweat. The sense of doom that accompanied the pain was so overwhelming I dreaded going to bed each night.
I suppose I hadn't reached that stage of enlightenment that entitles my soul to wonder around at my will. The cramps stopped as I stopped my attempts at astral travel. But something else replaced the leg cramps. I would wake up between 5-6 am feeling really nauseous and out of breath. My chest would freeze and I wouldn't feel my fingers. It always felt like - that was it, I was going to die! My perspiration would totally soak my nightgown and form puddles wherever I was bending over. After a series of such attacks, I went to have my heart checked but ECG and heart monitors picked up nothing. It was sometime later that a missionary doctor diagnosed that what I've had all those times were panic attacks. My blood pressure was nearly 200/158 the first time he attended to me. That was more than 2 years ago. I was then given medication to help me sleep and bring down my brain activity when I WANT sleep (I suffered from chronic insomnia - sleeping only like once in 3 days?). I am still on medication today. It helps me to get at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night :-)
And all these sleep disorders came into the picture about the same time that I started exploring soul travel. Maybe there's no connection. But I guess after searching - for 15 years - in vain, for an answer to why my father did what he did and what happened to him after death, I have become too mentally drained to carry on...
I've since chosen to focus on what I can understand, and on goals that are slightly more attainable - like getting better at trading :-)
LT, life is unpredictable. DEATH is certain. We will surely die, all of us, someday :-)
I know where I will go when I die. I just don't know where my father went when he died and I don't know if I'll ever see him again.
My whole life has been about looking for answers and reasons to every damn thing, so I think I know how you felt when you were confronted by phenomenon that baffled you.
Like you, I've chosen to shift my focus too, after realizing that my quest has brought me nothing but pain and more questions.
If you feel right about your current pursuit, then it's gotta be for the right :-)
Hi Jules,
sounds like you already spend lots of times on astral travel subject so maybe it's not for you. Now back to another subject, death, I had been so closed to it, twice. One I sudendly had a hundred degree fever, I just laid there, not moving, not speaking, not feeling until my Mom took me to a hospital. Other time, after 10 days into 15 days of being on a boat without food, my body baterry just simply run out. One again I laid there motioless and my thought was I am going to die soon, no life flashing before my eyes, nobody crying, everybody was too exhausted to worry about one more of death body. Finally somebody dropped a small spiece of bread inside my mouth, 2 hours latter I woke up from my death, just like that. To me, death is very easy, doesn't take any effort at all. My mom, my grandpa are gone but I don't wonder about them I just prayed for them everyday to go to heaven because that is all I can do and suppose to do. I don't want any communicate from them as it just means they are still around instead of on their way to a better place. Living is hard, dying is easy so I am not worry about death at all, peace.
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