My conversation with D this morning when we were having our morning nicotine session prior to seeing him off:
J: You look happy on Mondays. There're sparks in your eyes. They are dead on Saturdays and Sundays.
D:....
J: Are you unhappy at home?
D: There's no simple answer....
J: I have my answer then. I'm not naive enough to think that there's anything simple (between us).
D:......
J: Is there something you want to do, and I'm stopping you?
D (shakes his head, and smiles ever so kindly and gently):....focus on trading....
Now, that's really the last thing I need to hear from anyone, especially from D.
I trade coz I love to trade. It's more than an escape to me. It is something I'm passionate about.
At least that's what I would like to believe.
Now I'm beginning to doubt myself.
What am I doing with my life exactly?
When will I ever truly accept that living for myself and no one else is the only way that I can carry on living?
When will I ever learn to be happy for no good reason?
When will my life stop revolving around a single person?
When will I ever stop DOING THINGS, and pulling all kinds of stunts to get his attention and get back at him for having stayed with me all these years simply because he felt I needed him, not because he loved me?
When will I ever truly find myself?
Will I ever learn to live just for myself?
When will I ever put a stop to pondering, analyzing, finding out the truth, blowing my top then retreating into my shell, only to emerge a short while later to carry on living, then start pondering again, and analyzing, and basically get sucked right back into the whole cycle again and again and again?
When will I ever accept that I've been with a man who has never ever loved me, and has stayed simply because the savior in him just couldn't desert me?
When will I ever stop hating him for wasting 15 years of his life on a totally unworthy cause?
When will he ever stop wanting to be a hero and an angel on a mission, and start living the life that he wants to live?
WHEN????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
J: You look happy on Mondays. There're sparks in your eyes. They are dead on Saturdays and Sundays.
D:....
J: Are you unhappy at home?
D: There's no simple answer....
J: I have my answer then. I'm not naive enough to think that there's anything simple (between us).
D:......
J: Is there something you want to do, and I'm stopping you?
D (shakes his head, and smiles ever so kindly and gently):....focus on trading....
Now, that's really the last thing I need to hear from anyone, especially from D.
I trade coz I love to trade. It's more than an escape to me. It is something I'm passionate about.
At least that's what I would like to believe.
Now I'm beginning to doubt myself.
What am I doing with my life exactly?
When will I ever truly accept that living for myself and no one else is the only way that I can carry on living?
When will I ever learn to be happy for no good reason?
When will my life stop revolving around a single person?
When will I ever stop DOING THINGS, and pulling all kinds of stunts to get his attention and get back at him for having stayed with me all these years simply because he felt I needed him, not because he loved me?
When will I ever truly find myself?
Will I ever learn to live just for myself?
When will I ever put a stop to pondering, analyzing, finding out the truth, blowing my top then retreating into my shell, only to emerge a short while later to carry on living, then start pondering again, and analyzing, and basically get sucked right back into the whole cycle again and again and again?
When will I ever accept that I've been with a man who has never ever loved me, and has stayed simply because the savior in him just couldn't desert me?
When will I ever stop hating him for wasting 15 years of his life on a totally unworthy cause?
When will he ever stop wanting to be a hero and an angel on a mission, and start living the life that he wants to live?
WHEN????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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