Garbage Trades, Sweet D & Peerless Gremlins

So here I was, sitting by my screen everyday from 5/7am to 6pm, watching my charts, then resume watching at 9pm all the way to 12/2am, and the best setups just had to come during the time that I had to do my household chores, get dinner, and show my cats and D some tender loving care.

This has happened just way too often. I'm thinking that maybe I should start to JUST WATCH & DO NOTHING until 5pm (5am N.Y. time) when market starts behaving a little less erratic and schizophrenic.

D just called from his office to see how I was doing. I complained about having taken "garbage" trades AGAIN. D's response cracked me up. He said that it's good to recycle, and that if I can make money from garbage, I should do well with the more quality stuff. D's the sweetest - for a while now - and he's made me promise to REST on weekends and resume my skating routine (I used to skate in the evening 2 to 3 times a week - it's been a whole year since I last skated!).

Tomorrow is gremlins' birthday! The elder twin REMINDED me last week. She demanded very specifically for a birthday card only (no gifts, she said, just a card). The challenge: she wants a non-Hallmark, DIY card!!! She wants me to draw a picture of her and her sister. I'm in trouble. The only thing that I can draw is a very nice heart...and some ugly birds and flowers....

"You WILL write on the card "I love TT (the older twin), and on WW (younger twin)'s card, you WILL write "I love WW"".

It's apparent gremlins have my family's genes and none of their father's (one of the kindest, most gentle, most blasé men I've met).

Update (I WANNA CRY!):

6J Trades 8/18 (Tues)

Total: USD 162.50

4 Trades: 1 loser (long), 1 scratch @ breakevn (short), 2 winners (both long)

On chart above: Red double arrow shows losing trade; Blue for winning; Pink for scratch

The 1st trade was an attempt to take a scalp (judging by the steepness of the trendline, I was not expecting price to do a really decent pullback) - then I regretted entering a long just coz I missed that plunge down (to get that kind of breakout trades, I have to be up at 5am to go over my charts, and then wait for market to open at 6:30am - I was up at 7am today coz D stayed up last night, and then a 2am call from his men woke us!!!), and covered at 8 ticks loss when I couldn't focus on what price was doing.

The 2nd trade was an attempt to recover my loss. Again, couldn't focus, and scratched my trade when price stalled.

The 3rd trade was attempt #2 to get my money back! Covered near resistance, and when tape showed that buyers were no longer interested in chasing price up.

4th trade was an attempt at trading my signals properly. But I guess I don't know my indicator all that well, and it was only after I bailed at + 5 ticks (I'd call that a scratch - I had expected the strong bull candle to break at least 2 trendline resistance (blue dotted line) but that didn't happen) that I noticed what I had overlooked initially. Well, I can't possibly see everything there is to see, and make a decision based on what I see, all in a matter of minutes. Fortunately for me, I've gotten used to the crazy tape, which has been saving my trades (for weeks now, the indices have been a really good contrarian indicator...but since last night, the negative correlation between the 6J and the indices is GONE...so I was kind of groping my way in and out of trades a little today).

Experience tells me that now's the time to stop.

I've been watching the ES, and was going to take a short at 986, until I saw the tape. J and I were talking about how 2 persons can trade the ES at the same time and at the same level - with one of them going long, the other going short, both aiming for a point, and both will get their one point (yes it did happen either last night or the night before). That is what most will call "forgiving". I simply call that robots trading or blackbox trading. I prefer to trade with humans.

Another reason that I have to give up ES for now is that my R:R ratio for the ES is extremely unappealing in the current market. I was looking at my ES trades in the past, and noticed that most of my winning trades were those that came with a wide stop - the kind of stop that I cannot give to a single ES trade now if I were to take the "5K" startup into consideration.

I'm playing by the rules for once.

I deserve a pat on my back.

D, you know what to do!!!

My charts and trading log are both up coz I don't know how else to blog about my day. I'm sure I'll come up with something...along the way...

6J & TF Trades 8/17 (Mon)

Total: USD 195

NQ 5min, TF 5min, 6J 5min

Am definitely making an effort to post my daily PnL and charts only at the end of the week.

Daily postings tend to make me feel like I should trade everyday, and that I should only have GREEN days.

Posting everyday also makes it difficult for me to hang on to winning trades (I did give up holding my first 6J trade today - and ended up scratching after price went 2 points in my favor only to go back temporarily to my entry point - I was aiming for support way below, a very decent 2.5R profit target), and I'm thinking that it's possible and very probable that it's a habit I've cultivated when I was serving in the public sector (complete a perfect report/paper way before deadline, move on to the next assignment, finish the entire year's work way before the end of the year, and bombard my superior with new and impractical ideas).

Today's 6J chart and tape are not any better than last week's (specifically, on the 2 FOMC days). I should have stayed out. But I chose not to. Yes, I am stubborn, and since that's the way I like myself, I'll live with it, and change the way I trade instead. Among the things I did differently was the managing of my stops. I was not as uptight about stop losses as I was last week, and that makes my life a whole lot easier. When I used a 2.5 point stop today, it was a choice I made right at the beginning, and was prepared to part with my money. Last week, I was most reluctant to give a 2.5 point stop (once I hit D's weekly profit target - and D's kinder to me than I am to myself - my stops are no longer a percentage of my capital, but a percentage of my winning for the week) until I was stopped out at a few TICKS so many times, I got fed-up and finally allowed my trade the room it needed - AT THE WRONG TIME.

Having said that, I'm still not risking more than a specific percentage of my 5k capital for each trading DAY.

No posting of charts and PnL for the rest of the week, until the end of the week. Am really curious about how that's going to affect my trading.

Fat88 Trader, Anthony, Me, & "NOT FAIR"

A blog that I have enjoyed reading:
http://fat88trader.blogspot.com/

Author shares about trading from the arcade, which I find refreshing. And, he likes Lee Kuan Yew (my role model)!

I'll be back posting here from next week on. I'll talk about my day but there will be NO posting of trading logs or PnL on a daily basis. Trading logs and PnL will be posted at the end of week, together with my updated account statement. I'll post charts on INDEX futures only should I trade them.

My comment section will remain deactivated.

My broker (quite a celebrity now!) has sent me something that he's seen on other trading blogs that he suggests that I include on mine too: a DISCLAIMER. He's enclosed in his email a version that I could almost insert wholesale here. He's the sweetest.

A song that I'm ABSOLUTELY crazy about now (catchy tune, melodious arrangement, wickedly hilarious and witty lyrics, extremely talented and lovely singer/song writer who has a few other equally wacky numbers that are actually very pleasant to the ears):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xfv52SEgCNA&feature=channel

Not Fair lyrics

Oh, he treats me with respect, he says he loves me all the time
He calls me fifteen times a day, he likes to make sure that I'm fine
You know I've never met a man who's made me feel quite so secure
He's not like all them other boys, they're all so dumb and immature

There's just one thing that's getting in the way
When we go up to bed, you're just no good, it's such a shame
I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you
And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over

It's not fair and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean
Oh, you're suppose to care
But you never make me scream, you never make me scream

Oh, it's not fair and it's really not okay
It's really not okay, it's really not okay
Oh, you're supposed to care
But all you do is take, yeah, all you do is take

Oh, I lie here in the wet patch in the middle of the bed
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by, I spent ages giving head
Then I remember all the nice things that you ever said to me
Maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe you're the one for me

There's just one thing that's getting in the way
When we go up to bed, you're just no good, it's such a shame
I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you
And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over

It's not fair and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean
Oh, you're supposed to care
But you never make me scream, you never make me scream

Oh, it's not fair and it's really not okay
It's really not okay, it's really not okay
Oh, you're supposed to care
But all you do is take, yeah, all you do is take

There's just one thing that's getting in the way
When we go up to bed, you're just no good, it's such a shame
I look into your eyes, I want to get to know you
And then you make this noise and it's apparent it's all over

It's not fair and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean, I think you're really mean
Oh, you're supposed to care
But you never make me scream, you never make me scream

Oh, it's not fair and it's really not okay
It's really not okay, it's really not okay
Oh, you're supposed to care
But all you do is take, yeah, all you do is take

"Project 5k" Week #2 - Account Statement & Trading Logs

All PnL in TICKS:

"Project 5k" Week #1 - Account Statement & Trading Logs

Update: I had accidentally left out Monday's ES trades; the original trading log was from part 1 of the day, and I've replaced it with the end-of-day log (see 1st DOM below). Correct PnL is USD 1092.

Daily Statement As At July 31st


Daily Statement As At Aug 7th

Below shows my trades and PnL from Day 1 of my "5K" project. On my private blog, I've shown on daily basis my charts and analysis. At times I would post an open position. Which is the reason why I have reservations about posting on this blog.

I've indicated that I'll be posting my weekly statements, but after learning from D that my monthly statement shows details of each and every trade that I've taken within the month, I've decided to publish my monthly statements instead of weekly ones. As such, I might or might not continue to post here on a weekly basis. We'll see.

My PnL for Week #1 of my project:
380 + 162 + 150 -125 + 525 = USD 1092

There's been a personal issue that's been eating me during the whole week. It's Pilot's wedding. It's going to be held abroad, and I can't attend because of so many reasons. I love my siblings, but I have constraints in life that do not allow me to show simple acts of love that is simple in the eyes of many, but complicated for me personally. I know I will always be there for the ones I love when they are in TROUBLE. And I wish I'll never regret my decision to be assertive this time. It tears me to upset Sea and Pilot. And I hope I never have to do it ever again.

I was talking with my broker - Anthony - and he had made several suggestions concerning the opening of my private blog, which I've taken into consideration. I will be sorting this out in the next few weeks. The thing is, I really need to find a balance between wanting to continue to share my journey with all except the biggest jerks, and to maintain an environment that allows me to trade in peace. Again, we'll see.

For this, PnL is in TICKS

Private Blog - Reasons, Reasons, Reasons

I've been receiving emails asking for access to my private blog. Some were from those that were initially in that I've decided to exclude for reasons that I've explained in my previous post.

I'm asking again for your understanding. Being out there in the public not knowing who's reading does something to my psychology; even within a smaller community I was finding it stressful to deal with the increasing number of emails I've received asking very specific questions about my trades (yes, much to my surprise, a smaller community actually gave some the impression that I was ready to "open up").

Rather than responding to each email individually, I'm just going to post my reply here.

As I have mentioned, I am in a phase of "exploration" ie I am doing things differently and instead of focusing on "outcomes" I'm paying more attention to how I go about achieving specific goals while doing my best to manage risk at the same time. Sometimes I know exactly what I'm doing and I'm able to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing; other times I know what I'm doing but am not able to put in words the why's and the how's of my actions, and once in a while I'm just firing away rather aimlessly to see what's going to happen. When I'm doing the latter two, I really don't want to have to explain. Explanation, justifications and rationalizations kill the enterprising spirit in me.

I am really very comfortable in my current "controlled lab environment"; I'm trading calmly despite trading rather differently from before. I'm experimenting with charts that I've not used before and can't even say that I understand, and I'm holding my trades for more than scalp profits. I'm tightening my stops instead of widening them, and am inclined to spend more time managing my trades than looking for entries or sitting on losing trades. I am, for the first time, NOT in a constant state of anxiety, irritability and paranoia.

I have, like a broken record, declared many times that I am NOT a people person. I simply cannot deal with situations where people that do not share my values and beliefs decide - to their own detriment - to invade my space. I would play and replay the incidents in my mind lamenting the actions I had taken to silence them. Lately, I've chosen to ignore mails and comments that annoy me. There are so many things that annoy me - faulty reasonings, negative attitude towards LEARNING, UNREASONALBE coach-bashing (e.g expecting to immediately be able to trade with success upon graduation), the reluctance to exercise one's brain faculty and the expectation to be "spoon-fed" - the list is endless. But of course I've NOT exactly ignored them coz the words, the phrases, the ENTIRE letter/ comment would keep popping up in my mind throughout my trading session.

I can't change how my brain works - it picks up clues and the most minuscule of details and starts wanting to fit the pieces into an appropriate unit within an established system - it asks too many "why's" and "how's" and it's not at all selective as to what needs processing (my brain processes lots of garbage). My mind is a very busy place - so busy it needs drugs to slow it down. But the thing is, I don't want to have to change my brain too much coz it does give me an edge in many aspects of my life.

So instead of attempting to change my brain - which I don't want to, really - I decided to change my environment instead. I am surrounding myself with people that I am COMFORTABLE with, and there is no way that I'm coming out here again in a long time.

I'm giving myself 3 months, maybe 6, to identify and define my trading edge, and to learn to trade with LESS emotions. And when I'm finally able to trade without being readily affected by events unrelated to trading, I will open up my private blog.

Private Blog

I have decided to keep my private blog very private, and regret to inform those that have been given access that I'll now have to remove most of you from my list of invited readers.

What I'm going to be doing is a lot of experiments - yes, I'm REALLY exploring - and I'd much prefer to keep to a very small group of traders that I've gotten to know rather well.

I'm very sorry that I have to do this for now. In time, whenever I feel that I'm ready, I'll open up my private blog for sharing.

TF Trades

After speaking with Michael (refer to previous post here), I decided to take a look at my old friend, the TF. It's just amazingly clear to me what it was doing. I could buy, and I could sell. Market in, market out, and no pondering on exactly where to enter and where to get out. Just the way I used to trade it. All in a few SECONDS work - and I wasn't even intending to trade the US market today. I don't know what to say anymore. A major paradigm shift is in order - back to the previous model!! We'll see.

I'm happy with my private blog. Yes, finally happy. It's a small community - I've invited 50 - I know who they are (based on what they tell me - I choose to be trusting for now), and I think I'm going to be comfortable sharing everything about my "5k project". And those who were too shy to comment before are now starting to talk, and they are GOOD people. I'm a sucker for good people.

In the emails that I've received, some claimed that it took them a while and a lot of courage to hit the "send" button. I understand that in certain cultures, writing to a stranger is...well...a strange thing to do. But I'm no stranger. If you've been reading my blog for a while now, then you know me. If you are REALLY curious about what I'm going to be doing, please drop me an email (julianatse@gmail.com). I might not have the time to reply during this period, but if I don't feel that you're some kind of spy, or that you have ill intentions, and if you are a trader (or someone who's very interested in getting started), I'll send you an invite.

Michael Woo

I took a break and went out with Michael, my trading coach.

We talked about many things. I told him that I have been very afraid these days, and I can't seem to snap out of it. Michael asked what it is that I'm afraid of, and left me with these words to ponder on:

"It's just money"

Michael is one of the coolest, if not absolutely the coolest, trader I've ever met. His are the only trading statements I've seen (trainers and coaches can claim how good they are, but without the statements to support, they can say whatever they want and they aren't going to convince me, not anymore) - and each new batch of students sees his months of trade logs/ statements updated to the last day he receives his statements - and they simply confirm my belief that he is without a doubt good - DAMN GOOD!!

I asked if trading is stressful for him. He said no, unless he's trading other people's money, and if he has to explain his trades as he's making a move (he holds live trading classes).

When trading his own account, Michael's NOT trading scared money. He takes his profit and cuts his losses according to what the market tells him. I take my profits and cut my losses based on the level of adrenaline that has built up in my system.

Unlike many celebrity trainers here in the local scene, Michael's extremely low-profile, grounded, and calm. He trades every single day, throughout the US session. He teaches once a week, and he's probably never going to give it up. His knowlege of the market and the instruments he trades is so deep that if you were to ask him what tells him that the market's going up or down, you'll always get the same answer: INTUITION. That's always good enough for me, coz I'd rather have that than his thesis.

Michael said that my postings from way back showed that I had a different approach towards trading then - I talked about volatility, about emotions in the market and such - and I kind of get where he was going with that.

Somehow, along the way I've veered off course and am now desperately wanting to get back on track.

Something that he suggested, which HPT did too, was to really cut down on the number of hours that I spend in front of my screen. Another thing is to go back to look for my edge - a deep understanding of single instrument. Forget fib, forget waves, and a whole bunch of other stuff, he said.

This will be the umpteenth time that I'm going back to my very old postings to grasp what I was really doing then. Sounds odd, but that's what this is about. I've changed, the way I think about and approach the market and trading have changed - not for the better, unfortunately.

I know that this is going to come out sounding REALLY wrong, but I think it's time that I stop looking TOO HARD for reasons to enter a trade, as well as reasons to NOT trade.

When you try too hard, the market slaps you really hard too. I say this from personal experience.

I remember the words I used to use to describe the market: fluid, dynamic, eccentric, erratic. I accepted the market as such then. These days, I try so hard to make sense of it, to identify the structure that guides it, and the harder I try, the more success evades me.

There are a lot of things that I don't know about the market still, but I know this about me: I need to be cool. Cool like Michael, cool like I was before. Nothing else is going to help me. I need my cool back. I need to go back to NOT being able to explain my trades. Yes, it sounds wrong. But what was seemingly wrong had worked for me, and everything that's seemingly "correct" and "proper" hasn't.

Update:

D is a super fast learner. I shared with him exactly what I had written above, an hour before market open, and I wasn't even sure he understood my babbling.

But he apparently did.

He just took 2 points on the ES. FOR THE FIRST TIME, D took 2 points!!! D usually flees with 3 ticks!!!

THANK YOU!!!

(Update: As I'm going to be using my gmail account to compile the list of emails that I will be sending invites to, would appreciate it if you can send your email to gmail account if you're writing me (my yahoo mailbox is jammed by the way, for reasons I've yet to find out). For those that have written, I've already included you on the list. Again, thanks for your emails! Those on my blogroll - you're on the list by default (unless you don't have an email on your profile page, in which case, I would appreciate it very much if you'd send me an email for me to capture your email address), but please let me know if you do not wish to be included.)

My heartfelt thanks to ALL who have emailed me. I've spent the bulk of the day dealing with some frustrating personal issues, and haven't noticed the mails that came in. To the "quiet crowd" that has written me long emails - I am beyond touched, and I wish I could reply to each and every one of you in the next few days. I should be able to, given that I'm going to be trading very light for the rest of this month.

To my fellow countrymen (and women) - I have to say, I am very surprised to be hearing from so many of you. If only you had spoken before the really nasty ones came in....I really appreciate your notes, and to those who have asked specific questions, I will definitely reply in the next 72 hours.

Que Sera Sera & Letting Go

I've decided. I'll be updating my progress on my private blog. This blog will stay in the public realm for good. I'll return to publish my monthly statements, whenever I feel like irritating the hell out of naysayers.

The thing is, trading is a stressful enough activity that calls for 100% concentration and focus from the trader, if he/she wants to be the best that he/she can be, or perhaps even be among THE BEST in the field, and I really don't need any external distractions that will potentially and very possibly jeopardize my vision of being among the best in years to come.

Some might say that it is precisely because that trading is not for the faint-hearted, that those who show signs of being meek, or easily defeated, or "thin-skinned" would be wise to drop the idea of ever becoming a successful trader.

I used to agree, until I realized that trading is not as much about being tough - although toughness, or simply the ability to stay calm in the face of adversity, are no doubt qualities that will make any setbacks that a trader has to face along the way easier to overcome - as it is about being receptive to deviations from expectations and about the continual acquisition of life skills and traits that will help one to not only adapt to such deviations, but actually make the best out of them.

So, what we're talking about is the continual process of learning - about the market, about the trader himself/herself - trading is without a doubt about a lifelong process of self-discovery and self-mastery. Along the way we fall, and then we pick ourselves up , only to fall again, and the cycle is going to repeat itself until the day we quit trading for good. A trader can be tough as hell to begin with, but can fall so bad one day that he's unable to stand up and walk again. Another can be meek initially, but can be toughened by each falls and setbacks to the point that he's always going to be able to pick himself up to continue walking.

Trading is a lot about who you are, yes, but you won't know who you really are until you take your last breath. When you start labeling yourself a "sissy", or believing that you are one just because someone says that you are, and you fight to prove that you are not, early in your trading career - you're unlikely to ever discover who you could have been had you just accepted that you are what you think, and what you think will take time to materialize.

So, I am accepting the fact that I am just not strong enough to deal with annoying people at this phase of my trading career. I am not going to expend what limited energy I have to create an impression of invincibility. I fully acknowledge my flaws - but with these flaws I will continue to move towards my goal - if these are indeed fatal flaws that will impact on my trading, I will find a way, and if I don't, I'll just continue looking. My net worth is a 7-figure number, I live a very simple life, I have no liability, and above all, I am not a gambler, so the odds of me losing my shirt in the process of finding my way are slim.

I know I will never lose my spirit. And THAT is good enough for me.

So, moving forward, what I want to focus on is how to go about achieving my goal and realizing my vision in the most constructive manner possible. And dealing with nasty people is certainly not my idea of a constructive plan.

I have received 4 emails so far - one of them a Singaporean, a really adorable one (thank God for NICE Singaporeans!!!) - and I'm not sure that I'll hear from more. After all, I'm going to be closing doors, when others are looking to connect extensively with others. So, I'll be realistic. What I want is a community, and hopefully I can benefit this community with what I'm going to be sharing. As a matter of fact, I'm positive that I am going to be contributing something, whether or not my project turns out to be a success - coz if it doesn't, it would have been a clear demonstration of what one SHOULD NOT DO as a trader.

I'm not dismissing the possibility of returning to this blog to document the details of my project in the near future - after all, I'm a trader, and I'm entitled to changing my mind a thousand times a day (thanks, J, for the reminder!) - but right now, I'm just too meek for this kind of traffic.

So, here it is, it's QUE SERA SERA that works for me again. It never ceases to amaze me - the fact that how you trade does reflect how you live your life, and vice-versa. But that's as far as I would go; I'm never going to get any more poetic and philosophical about trading.

As I said, I'll leave this blog as it is. If you happen to stumble upon it, and you would like to find out how I've progressed, you're always welcome to drop me an email. I will be sending out invitations beginning next week. My project will commence in Aug as planned.

My latest obsession:

LET GO (Frou Frou)

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

My Nieces Say That I Should Entitle This "Yee Yee" - It Doesn't Matter - I SPOKE

Something interesting that I found again on my traffic report. It dawns on me that most of the folks from my part of the world are always going to be negative, critical and ignorant. Yes, I can trade 10 contracts with 5K - coz the margin for each contract is $500 (there are many in the US that offer such margins). That said, I did mention that I will be trading a max of 2 contracts. Not that there's anything wrong with trading 10, if you know what you are doing. Leverage is always a double-edged sword.

But I'm talking to numskulls. Why do I even bother?

Oh, yes, coz I can say anything that I want.

I'm setting the record straight - I'm not doing this just to prove someone wrong. This is my plan to start trading with a realistic goal, within a more realistic timeline. The reason that I'm sharing my plan and details of my trading activities and my result is to show those who are just starting out that they can build up their capital STEADILY by achieving small but consistent results. Ok, maybe I'm doing this primarily for myself. I need a public diary to keep me on my toes - 3 years is a long time, and I have a short attention span.

Again, why the hell am I explaining to people who will never see any good in the things that other people are doing, as long as they are NOT the way that they are doing them??

I am taking the weekend to think about going underground with my diary. There are too many people who shouldn't be here that are here wasting their time. Once I'm decided, I will send out invitations to those who are interested in following my progress. Meanwhile, if you have been following my blog, don't hate the way that I trade, don't hate me for who I am, please drop me an email (would appreciate a brief introduction) so I can start putting together a list of email addresses.

If you fulfill ALL of the following, please do NOT write me:

- You are SINGAPOREAN

- You are NOT:
1) Sage
2) Michael Woo
3) Michael Woo's student
4) My personal friend
5) My ex-colleague

- You are a graduate of WAT, and an ardent fan of C.A.Lim

Yes, I'm hyper-sensitive, hyper-thin-skinned, hyper-territorial, and always going to be disgusted with people who love to see / look forward to seeing others fail. I write my thoughts here and everything about my trading, and I don't like sharing them with HOSTILE and UNKIND people.

Sage, you might want to consider NOT publishing your results too. We may live on a tiny island , but our people are NOT nice at all to each other. You should have somekind of traffic report just to keep tabs on who those reading your posts are. They mentioned you and the comments are not kind. Why are we putting ourselves out there for people who totally deserve to make their own mistakes?

New Year, New Direction, Brand New Project

In the one year that I've started trading, I've heard on too many occasions how small time traders - those who haven't a few hundred thousands worth of trading capital to start with- and those who scalp and daytrade, can't make it in the long run, and I'm getting very sick of such claims.

I'm fed up enough to embark on a 3-year project to show that it is possible to daytrade for a living, starting with a very, very small account.

Here's what I'm going to be doing:

- I'll trade with a starting capital of USD 5k. With that, I can trade up to ten ES contracts, four to five 6E contracts, and three 6J contracts. But I'm sticking with one to two ES contracts, and just one 6E and 6J contract. That's for year 1.

- I'll double my account every 2 months, and whenever I do, I will withdraw my profits, and leave just 5K in the trading account, and I'll continue to trade with just 5k as capital for 12 months. After year 1, I will double my contract size and trade a 10k account. After year 2, I will trade a 20K account and double the contract size that I've been trading for year 2.

- I'll NOT be trading everyday, or even every week. When the day/week is not right for my strategy, I'll not make a move. The bottom line is that (for year 1) I make at least 5K in 2 months - which is totally achievable - all I need is to make - on average - 200 a day or 1K a week, or 4k a month. If I can do that consistently, I'm looking at 8K a month. But I'm taking into account the fact that it's virtually impossible to consistently make 200/day, 1k/week, 4k/month - I might even have losing WEEKS and MONTH, so, 5K is just about right.

- Effective Aug 09, I'll post my statement on a weekly basis, and my trading log and charts on a daily basis

Technical Analysis
I've not done this for a long time for a number of reasons. But I'm going to start doing it again, coz D is going to be swing trading the ES. He's been doing well swing trading/ investing in stocks, and since he sucks at scalping and daytrading, he's decided to swing trade futures. D is a banker with a high profile bank (read: busy, busy, busy!!!). He puts in an average of 12 hours a day into his job (not counting the time he spends on evening conference call AT HOME , and on Saturdays and Sundays), and simply doesn't have the time and energy to do any kind of analysis and research. That's one of the reasons that I started this blog - for him - but evidently, with time, it's become more a place for me to rant than anything else.

Bitching, Whining & All That Jazz

This is undoubtedly the worst month in my entire year of trading and blogging.

I'm officially disgusted with the way that I've approached trading.

I'm disgusted through and through with how I've dealt with ASSHOLES.

I'm disgusted with ME for being guilt-ridden all the time.

I'm going to be spending yet another 12 months IN MY CAVE - if you are reading this, and you are my ex-colleagues / my friends - please forgive me for not calling/returning calls/replying to messages. I have to do this - to learn to trade well - for many reasons that I shan't elaborate here anymore.

From now on, I will say what I want to say, and I will NOT allow anyone to call me a moron on my own blog. My comment section has been inactivated - I'm not even going to bother with moderation.

6J & ES Trades 7/24 (Fri) - Revolting Market

6J 2500V

ES 5min

I'm tired.

Beat.

Utterly DAMAGED!!!!

Great Day, No Trades, No Chats

No trades today. I had an amazingly wonderful day - got carried away and got home late. And market's not given me a place to enter.

I MISS MY CHAT BUDDY!!!!

I'm kind of hoping that he's been eaten by a cat so I can kick the new addiction.

Early Night

I don't remember the last time that I actually turned in at 11pm...it's probably 2 decades ago...

Anyway, that's what I have to do tonight. Full-day shooting tomorrow, and my agent has advised that I get all the beauty sleep THEY need (they know I trade the US market to the early hours of our morning here).

So, no ES for me today. And possibly tomorrow, and the day after. Assignments everyday from tomorrow on. That's for this week. I feel ALIVE already!

............

I should have some time for sim and live trading during globex hours. We'll see.

6J (Sim)Trade 7/22 (Wed) - "3rd Touch"

6J (Yen Futures) 1000V

This is a "3rd Touch" setup. I've set my profit target 4 points away from entry but had covered a few ticks below when price was surging towards HL resistance. I prefer to get out when someone still wants in. And, I wasn't sure that price was going to close above resistance (it hasn't).

Will be looking for similar setups in the 6E, ES, TF and NQ. Using volume charts for all.

The 6J (Yen futures) has the same tick value as the 6E, and is almost as thinly traded as the 6E too. It works for me though, coz I can read the tape of a thinly traded market.

I have started to accept modeling assignments and have 3 lined up for the week. Something to get me away from the screen.

About Trading & Blogging

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the pros and cons of blogging, and the discussion on JE's post kind of inspired me to write this one.

I've read and heard about how those who trade well don't actually write or talk too much about their trading activities.

I'm not disagreeing with them, coz I do believe that many good traders (especially those on the floor) don't write at all (except journals they keep for their eyes only), but here are my thoughts:

For some, writing about their ups and downs help them cope; for some others, keeping to themselves help them focus on their primary goal; for me, putting myself on the line helps to keep me sharp, alert and motivated. Different strokes for different people.

I've always loved to write. It's my primary mode of communication with people. I don't talk that much (except when I'm with D and Seabloke), and writing long emails and notes has always been the way that I stay connected with friends.

I've never kept a diary (I DIDN'T understand the rationale of writing to myself), and this blog is my first attempt at documenting the daily happenings in my life, and to stay connected with people, even if it's just in cyberspace.

I welcome and cherish each and every comment from those that have dropped in (save a few repugnant ones - and I count only 3 in my entire year of blogging), which is why I have kept my comment section unmoderated. I always do my best to respond to everyone that drops me a note. On days that I have no access to my blog, or when I'm too fixated on my charts to notice incoming comments, I will make it a point to reply as soon as I can.

I'm not the kind that holds double-standards - I like to hear from those I've written to, and I would expect others to want the same when they write to me. I know there are probably many out there who are not as sensitive as me (ok, I'm hyper-sensitive), but generally, I don't like to do to others what I wouldn't want done to me.

And so, my being absent most of the time from my own blog lately, because I was so stuck with my charts, has been extremely upsetting for me. Trading has taken up almost all my time, and yet I'm not getting any closer to my goal. I thought about what HPT has written, and I'm really starting to see that my life is just crazily out of balance.

(Having said that, I'm not lamenting the lack of face-to-face interaction with people, coz at the bottom of my heart, I really don't enjoy socializing in the real world. People I have to see to interact with drain me to no end. I'm born with a certain deficiency, I'm sure, it's just that I haven't had it pinned down....)

I have to start giving myself the time to do other things that I love doing. I love to read - books, blogs, letters, magazines - just about anything that's not crap, and I haven't had the time to do that since I started trading live. I love to write (ok, ramble sounds more like it), and I want to be able to do that without feeling like I should be spending the time studying my charts and trading instead.

D has got me very useful video material that will help me to learn to play the piano (I played the electric organ since I was 6 or 7, but have never played the piano, although I've always LOVED the latter more), and I have not even taken a glance at them, coz I WAS SO FIXATED ON MY CHARTS. I've been wanting to pick up Italian and Spanish, and although I have everything I need to learn the basics, I have never once taken a look at them.

So yes, I do know that I haven't a life outside of trading. In mid 2008, I decided that I would spend ONE year to master the basics of trading and I made up my mind to sacrifice everything else to achieve my goal. Of course I told no one about this, and so to even the closest people in my life, I had seemed ultra aloof in the past year. It's difficult to explain to those who aren't in this business. I know better than to make a grand announcement that I'm going to hide away for a year to learn to trade - people will probably think that I've become a gambling addict overnight (best case scenario).

July 2009 marks the end of my 1-year voluntary solitary confinement. All I have to say is that I'm tremendously disappointed with myself for not having achieved what I've set out to do.

I've always thought that I'm special:

I was "diagnosed" as being gifted during my last year in elementary school and was supposed to continue my education in some special programs. Fortunately for me, Dad decided against it, and had sent me to a strict methodist school instead. I failed almost every subject during my last year with the school, but aced all of them during the open examinations 3 months later.

In high school, I topped the entire grade 12, and as I was telling J, I was the only one in class that could ask in the middle of class if I could drive out to get some fries, and how my physics teacher would always asked if I could get him some too.

University - this was when I got really close to not making it. I was expelled in my 2nd year , coz I had skipped practically every lecture and flunk almost all my papers (one of the darker periods of my life - the only thing on my mind was where Dad had gone after he died). Had it not been for D, I wouldn't have been accepted back in (D went to speak to all my professors and the Dean, armed with supporting docs to prove that I was not in my right state of mind, but that I was seeking help and would get right back on track in no time). I graduated eventually - and when I did, I was on Dean's list. Dad would have been so proud.

Over the course of my career, I had made a few switches that had seemed almost impossible to many. I've always managed to stand out (in a good way!) wherever I had landed myself . I had taken professional papers that take the average candidate up to 8 attempts (the highest figure I've heard) to pass, and I had passed it in my 1st attempt - after an intensive month of self-study, and without having gone through mock exams and special programs arranged by the organization (coz I was NOT hired yet - it's a long story, but briefly, I simply didn't have the right academic qualification to get the job - and I needed to show that I could do what the "qualified" folks could do, and could do it better than them in fact). I got the job eventually. I quit shortly after because I couldn't love the part of my job that needed me to interact with people (what's new???!)

Little wonder that I thought I could just pick up trading, and learn everything there is to know about trading, IN ONE YEAR (and I thought that was very generous!).

I'm going to have to step back for a while to re-group. I've never felt this incompetent EVER. It's not "failure" per se that's eating me. When I look back, I see spectacular failures throughout my life - let's just say that I've gone to places where my peers would never think of stepping into (there aren't many "A" class students who would decide to just sleep through their final year examination instead of staring at questions they have no answers to). What's eating me is that I'm no longer able to turn a bad situation around completely IMMEDIATELY. With trading, I noticed that the more I struggle to get back on track, the more I'm afraid to fail again. I know that if only I would pick up the courage to trade 5 TF contracts and 10 ES contracts again, I might just be able to reach my target for the year. Courage is something I used to have in abundance. Not anymore. And yes, that's what's REALLY eating me.

I'm going to quit "DOING" for a while. A paradigm shift is in order, and I'm going to sit down to draw up a more realistic plan as to how I'm going to approach trading moving forward.

I'll be sim trading on volume charts for a while. I'll definitely continue to post charts. I'm likely to be posting results of my sim trades for purpose of documentation and sharing. I'm going to be trading mainly 3 instruments: ES, 6E (Euro Futures) and 6J (Yen futures), and if I see the right setups in NQ and TF, I'll trade them too.

To all that have left a comment for me under my "DOWN" post, I want you to know how much I appreciate your gesture (definitely not feeling so lonely anymore LOL! Thank you!!!). I'll get down to responding to you as soon as I can.