Great Regret

On the day that Granny was cremated, we were supposed to pick her bones from her ashes as part of the Buddhist (Chinese?) burial custom. What disturbs me about the process is the using of chopsticks to do that. I've done it twice, and vowed never to do it again.

I haven't an inkling if it's a Buddhist ritual, or merely a Chinese custom. Whatever it is, I find it insensitive, twisted and abysmally crude!

As Chinese, we eat with chopsticks.

I use chopsticks to pick up chicken bones.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I was handed a pair of chopsticks to pick up the bones of my Dad 16 years ago.

So 2 Saturdays ago, after Granny's body was cremated - at the same temple where Dad was cremated - we were told to return in 2 hours for the bone-picking ritual.

We left in our own cars - Seabloke left with her family, my aunt (Dad's only sibling, and Granny's only other child) left with hers, and I left with D.

1 hour before the ceremony was to begin, I told Seabloke I wasn't going to do it. If the ritual was part of a "package" that they had opted for, they could go ahead without me.

I went home. It was 11:30am and I hadn't slept for 2 days.

D went to take a shower.

I sat right in front of my computer, which I hadn't quite had a chance to touch for almost a week. This is the place that I sit for almost 20 hours a day, almost everyday including weekends.

Since we moved in on April 25 this year, and since D took his trip - which was certainly an unforgettable one for me - on April 26, I've found solace just sitting here watching my charts.

I visited no friends, and allowed no one to visit (except Seabloke), and the only people I see are delivery men.

I did not call anyone, and avoided almost all the calls that came in.

Granny was not given the full detail of what was going on in my life, although she did get bits and pieces of information from Seabloke.

Granny called me heartless on so many occasions.

But the more she wanted to see me, and have me visit, or at least call her, the more I avoided her.

She was just constantly at the back of my mind and I found it a dread, and a burden, to have to think of her while I am attempting to make a shot at trading.

On the days that I did call her, I would feel totally relieved - it felt almost as if I had accomplished a mission.

But on that Saturday that I sat in front of my computer, all ready to log on, tears just gushed out.

I didn't feel the relief that I thought I would feel.

When I could finally ignore the entire world and just do my work, I couldn't.

I forgot my passwords. I couldn't concentrate.

Granny was everywhere.

The colors of my home reminded me of all the colors she hated.

The red and yellow blouses that I set aside only to be worn when I visit her make me tear - what do I do with them now?

I remember the last time I had a squabble with Seabloke, I ran crying to Granny, and she told Seabloke to stop bullying her sister.

I'll have no one to cry to now.

For the first time in my life, I felt lonely.

When D came out from his shower, I was a mess.

I couldn't stop crying, and I hated myself for not wanting to take part in the ritual.

It was exactly 12pm and the ceremony had begun.

I called Seabloke, and she told me to get there anyway.

D was speeding throughout the journey, and I was tearing non-stop.

I was half an hour late, and didn't get to put Granny's ashes into her urn.

I burst out in tears.

I am in tears as I write this.

I cannot describe the sense of loss I feel.

My loving, doting, domineering, but overwhelmingly caring Granny; my wise, witty and charming Granny - gone, forever.

What am I supposed to feel?

I asked Seabloke when I will get over this. She said we never will - just like we've never gotten over Dad. We will miss Granny's dishes and her naggings. It wasn't so bad when Grandpa passed on, coz we knew we still had Granny. Now....no more....

I asked Seabloke why I felt so terrible, and she said:

Big,
I've been telling you to meet friends, visit people who matter, regardless of your mood or how you don't like to make talks. You are a strong advocate of doing what's right, and keeping in touch IS right. That way, you know when the person leaves, you have no such regrets. I still love you.

Regret. Something that's plagued the most part of my life.

I don't know when the day will come when I will finally treat people right.

I'm terrified of intimacy.

I don't have a clue as to how I can spend hours looking at, talking to, and massaging Alberto, a cat, and can't spend an hour with people.

And it got me thinking - is that the reason why I've been able to live with D all these years?

Coz he can be so distant he seems almost like a stranger.

And I have no problem living with a stranger.

I have to do something about me.

If I don't, I'm going to die sorry and lonely.