Beautiful Life

Friday, March 19, 2010

I start work next week.

This officially ends my 2-year depression.

D says to take it that I had spent the last 2 years pursuing a masters degree - after all, I did pay the market a hefty fee to learn to trade.

I have been sim trading the whole time that I stopped posting. I recognized I wasn't in the right frame of mind to trade real money. And during the time that I was sim trading, I noticed that my best trades (commodities and forex futures) were those taken after 12pm N.Y. time. That would be 12am my time, which is perfect for me when I start work - it means I'll have plenty of time to have dinner, play with my cat, and pick what I am going to wear the following day before I settle down to study my charts.

Another thing that made me really happy: they've made a movie from my favorite book (the book that kept me sane these 2 years - Elizabeth Gilbert's account of how she spent an entire night on the floor of her bathroom crying, and her subsequent decision to leave her normal life behind - her comfort zone - to explore the unknown in Italy, then India - totally captured my heart. She's like a twin - her experiences, her character, her likes and dislikes...even the part about her never having been alone ie. without a man since she was 15....anyway, trailer below)

'Eat Pray Love' Theatrical Trailer @ Yahoo! Video

6E Trade - Wed, Mar 10

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

6E 15min

6E 2min

Crude Oil Trade - Tues, Mar 9

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

An interesting email from someone I'll call "The Banker":

Hi Jules,

Thanks for your kind words! I am glad to read on your blog the search for who you are is over.

Trading the US time zone from Singapore did pose significant struggles in my social life initially. Over time, I'm glad my family and friends gradually accepted my warped hours. I was very much a hermit. I could spend several weeks at home without stepping out of my house at all. However, I found that was unhealthy and abandoned my hermit lifestyle.

And yes, I was swing trading during the period when I was very successful. The secret to my method is, there is none! If any, it would be my firm belief that the market is bigger than any one of us. Very few can influence prices significantly, so we must adapt to the market instead of "forcing" (or hoping) the market to move according to our analysis.

A very simple analogy could be seen in, say, Formula One racing. All circuits have twists and bends. Can the driver simply step on the pedal full throttle all the time? Likewise, the market has trending and consolidation phases which demand different methods. So the trader that can exercise the greatest discipline to not trade in "unfamiliar territories" wins! Correspondingly, he'll need courage and swift action to take positions when he identifies potential moves.

Ironically, I tried teaching my trading method free to some very learned friends. None succeeded, even though I held nothing back. After this episode, I have to agree that the trading method is the least important factor to anyone's success in trading. I subsequently found so many methods actually work. The real questions are, can our emotions handle the roller coaster? Do we have enough faith in the methods to let them work? Do we have the discipline to adhere to the plans? The book by Mike Douglas "Trading in the Zone" answered all these questions the best.

I sat on this note coz I really haven't been in the mood to blog. But I like what The Banker says about not trading in "unfamiliar territories" so much that I feel compelled to share it. His note strikes a chord - in the month of Feb, I had changed the way I executed my trades, and that had cost me. It didn't help that I was also distracted by non-trading related matters. I took what was to me a rather long break to regroup. During that period, and in the weeks before, I've been receiving emails from those on my blogroll, friends who are not traders, and people I've never met or spoken with in my life (e.g. The Banker). Each has given me something to ponder on, and for that, I am very grateful....

Austin, I love all your notes. You're very long-winded, and I don't know how to respond. Just know that I'm extremely touched :-)

J (my chat buddy) left a note for me today. He was trying to cheer me up after I failed to show up. This was how he attempted to console me: by telling me how terrible a life others (from around the world) are living. Well, thank you, J, you sure made me feel terribly guilty for being melancholic for no good reason. :-P Ok, seriously, you know that I always love what you say.

Ben (you know who you are), I took your advice and didn't respond to your email. See? I listen sometimes. :-D Thank you, Ben, you're very sweet.

To all others who wrote: I don't know when I would be able to finish all the mails I was supposed to have sent out - I am really beginning to run out of things to say...

I am not attention seeking; I write because it is therapeutic for me (I don't believe in keeping a diary that's for my eyes only - it's a superstitious thing that I am not in the mood to elaborate on).

That said, the notes and letters have warmed my heart.

Here's one from weeks back that still makes me smile:

Hi Jules,

worries me when I read your latest post. Forgive me for being 'busy body'. Maybe you should check on these areas and reflect on the causes of your current state of emotions. Provide my personal assessment below each.

1) Family ( besides spouse )
Not lacking. Seems ok in this aspect becos of your frequent mention of sis and nieces.

2) Spouse
Lacking. I dont think you love ur partner from your postings. It's seems more like out of convenience and benefits.

3) Friendship
Lacking. Try to establish communication with the few closest friends u have who care about you.

4) Work satisfaction
Lacking ? I'm not sure about tis. But i guess its lacking due to the uncertainties of trading. Suggest you find something u like on a permanent basis ( part time ? ) which will not affect your trading if u really want to continue.

5) Social
Lacking. Need to make an effort to be less suspicious and accept the imperfections of others.

I briefly touch on the above since I'm not sure how you take these. Anyway, sincerely hope happy occasions come your way and the current depressive mode goes away.

My first trade after D's motivational talk last night (story for another day):

CL 15min

CL 2min

NYT's "Depression's Upside"

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Depression's Upside

I wonder: should I feel happy now??

Failed Hanging Men

CL 10min

First week of the month is for puking:
1st failed hanging man cost me 4 points; the 2nd and 3rd helped me recover my 4 points. That's basically what the day has been about: hanging men, or hammer (whatever, sometimes I can't quite tell if the trend's up or down - in any case, I really shouldn't have held a short because of a hanging man - in fact, I really shouldn't have taken that 2nd short since I suck at trading off S & R alone).

I've been in a very foul mood - after taking a USD 400 loss in a single trade, I went to look for D at the lobby (something I do every evening), and told him I felt very poor. D roared. Cruel.

I'm really NOT looking forward to tomorrow's interview.

Typical Monday

Just when I thought oil was ugly, 6J was grotesque. I could totally feel that I wasn't selling to and buying from humans.

6J 10min

Will be away from the market for most part of this week. Interviews. Everyone finally came back from the very long new year break.

Lily Allen (surprisingly nice song):

About Taking Losses and Trading Others' Methods

Here's what my week looked like:

Mon: - USD 150
Tue: + USD 571
Wed: - USD 71
Thu: + USD 235
Fri: + USD 509

For a while now, I've noticed that small losing days in between winning ones are good for my account, and that it pays to just walk away when a voice tells me that I don't really want to play anymore. It's when I fight that voice that I end up having to take the kind of loss that dampens my spirit for days to weeks. There were exceptions of course, but that's story for another day.

Although I don't trade just one specific symbol, I don't jump from one symbol to another throughout the day looking for something to trade when the day doesn't look at all promising for my trading style. These days, I'm comfortable with just shutting down and calling it a day when I feel that I've had enough of the market.

On Friday, I thought about taking trades off the 2 min charts, and also about trading the half size crude (QM) some time after that run up to R1. I changed my mind eventually and decided I should really just call it a day.

D, however, hadn't made his first trade, and I felt I needed to "help" him find one on the 2min.

Needless to say, it was a bad idea. For his 1st trade, he entered too late and his stop was not wide enough to cover that kind of move (I think we call that "chasing"), and for his 2nd trade, he entered too early and had to scratch coz I told him to.

Price immediately went his way after he scratched.

D lost USD 250 taking my trade idea. I asked him if it was my fault. He said, "Yes. You kept changing your mind about where price was heading!"

So I left him alone and chatted with J instead.

A few minutes later, D got all excited over something that developed that looked like one of my favorites, and asked me what I thought. I immediately hid my face in my jacket and shook my head violently to signal I wasn't going to say anything. D burst out laughing, and went ahead to make his own decisions. He recovered his loss by the end of the session, and made some money in fact.

Moral of the story: never ask a woman for directions.

Maksim and Jay

Crude Oil

CL 10min

In green box are today's trades:
Regarding the interview I went for - I have been asked to consider heading their corporate communications dept. I'll be meeting the dept, and we'll see how things go.

A job should keep me sane.

Life Goes On

CL 10min

In green box are today's trades:
Living with my choices.

Spent most part of my day playing on my piano while waiting for something to happen on my charts, and the rest of it replying some mails.

I guess that's one step towards finding some balance...

Thank you all who have dropped notes over the past few days. I really appreciate your taking the time to post. I've read your comments over and over, and am still at a lost for words...

Li W,
I love D. Maybe I don't sound like I do, and that's terrible of me. There's no benefit - convenience, maybe (we are both too lazy to shop around for better partners) :-)

Secret

Can space and time be warped enough to do this?
http://www.mysoju.com/secret/

My Puzzling Life

A typical week in my life:

Monday - Friday
I wake up.
I prepare breakfast for D and then see him off.
I feed my cats and massage them.
I look at my charts.
I wait for D at the lobby in the evening.
I have dinner with D.
I feed my cats and massage them.
I look at my charts.
I sleep.

Saturday
I wake up.
I feed my cats.
I look at my charts.
I feed D.
I look at my charts.
I have dinner with D.
I feed my cats.
I look at my charts.
I sleep.

Sunday
I wake up.
I feed my cats.
I look at my charts.
I feed D.
I do the laundry.
I look at my charts.
I have dinner with D.
I feed my cats.
I look at my charts.
I sleep.

From time to time, I look at my facebook and email inbox and reply some messages. Every day for 9 months now, I'll chat with J. It used to be long chats. These days, they are short. Every month, I'll see Seabloke once or at most twice. Every other day, she'll text me to see if I'm alive.

Besides the chatting with J part, this has been my life for the past 2 years.

I had lunch with Boon Sin today. It was a lovely session. We talked about our lives. And we talked about people we know. We talked about the past. We talked about the present. I realize how different my life has always been. And I notice how busy and fulfilling others' lives seem to be.

I ask D why I am not a mother of 2 -3.

D says it's because I don't want kids.

But I think it's because I know I'll be a terrible mother - the kind that will forget to feed her kids, bathe them, enroll them in schools, pick them up from school, send them for medical checkups, etc.

I ask D why I don't have a job.

D says it's because I am after something that a job cannot give me.

I ask why I had a kid at the time that I was a kid myself.

And it got me thinking that, maybe, not everything that happens to me is about me.

I'll be taking a break from charts from today on, for as long as I need it.

Boon Sin gave me a 3D globe puzzle. I almost didn't know how to react when I took the box from her. I still don't know what to feel now. I have a tendency to not know what to do with extreme kindness.

But I love the puzzle. I will be spending some time with it, and on the piano that I've almost never touched for years. Boon Sin is going to bring me some scores, and for the first time, I'm going to hear her play on a piano.

Something that I will definitely set aside time to do from tomorrow on is replying to messages and comments. I have been rude, and I apologize.

In green box below are crude oil trades (QM is mini crude oil) from Tues; in red are CL trades from Monday. Chart shows CL trades from Tues.

CL 5min

Choices

I've received emails asking for access to this blog which I closed over the weekend (the main reason that visitors want in is my bloglist).

I realized my action was abrupt, but I have my reasons.

That said, I'm feeling really bad about what I did. AND, I miss writing about my day.

So, I'm feeling really torn here.

I'm also feeling extremely suicidal.

Tomorrow, I'll be meeting a friend that I've known for more than 2 decades. We were supposed to have met up months ago - we didn't because things got in the way at first, and finally I became so withdrawn I simply couldn't step out of my home. Boon Sin writes beautifully in Chinese and expresses her feelings so well I'm almost envious. I was reading her blog from her very first post to the most recent one, and noticed how similar we are in terms of how we FEEL, but how very different in terms of how we THINK and make decisions. Putting it simply, she does what she feels; I don't. My actions and the decisions I make don't always reflect my feelings. As a matter of fact, I try to NOT feel.

I've not seen Boon Sin for more than a decade, even though we live on the same tiny island. We've always managed to keep in contact though. She was one of my closer friends before I went away for a decade, and one of the sweetest persons I know. She remains one of the rare few female friends I have (for some reason, I have problem communicating with girls and women). Extremely soft and kind (explains why she would even be my friend), she's almost the opposite of me. She's also a beautiful mother of 3, and plays the piano professionally. It isn't that I wish I could have her life - I like mine, no matter how screwed up it has been - but I just wish I can feel a little of the bliss she feels on a daily basis.

I traded crude oil yesterday. It was a terrible choice. I would have done better trading crazy nat gas. I took a loss of USD 150 by the end of the session, but it isn't the loss per se that frustrates me -it's how I habitually like to make BAD choices these days that's killing me.

Stymie

I love Solfest.

I got out of bed this morning feeling like I wanna kill someone, but Solfest's comments really cracked me up.

Something happened, and I'm now more frustrated than I've ever been.

I didn't think my life's going to turn out this way - aimless and completely meaningless.

I have a tendency to think too much - baffling, since I really hate using my brain.

I'm taking a very long break from public blogging to detox.

I Hate Festivals & Trading Holidays

CL 2min

A bout of depression is good for the soul, I heard.

I hope it's true.

There's something about festive occasions that depresses me. I'm glad Chinese New Year and US trading holidays are over.

A good friend visited on Tuesday, and I showed him how I trade crude. After a 5-hour tutorial, he went home to trade that monstrous uptrend, and took USD 750 from the market (he has been trading forex on and off for a few years, and has almost never touched futures, let alone crazy crude).

That's about the only thing (other than Seabloke and Gremlins) that made me happy in the past week.

Was at Seabloke's on the 2nd day of Chinese New Year, and we had a lot of fun playing with her MAC. Twins were adorable. "We don't love you, Yee Yee", they said, "We love you VERY MUCH!". I'm blaming Sea for my not wanting to have a baby. I'm afraid that mine will turn out just NORMAL.

I'm still depressed. I don't know why, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I'll just continue to pop my happy pills.

Sage,
Of course I want the job. Isn't it obvious I was trying very hard to stand out? :-D

Crazy Everything Day

Waiting patiently for the day when everything stops chopping around!

No time for charts. Looking for my mascara again! I'm sure Keish (my vain cat) hid it, AGAIN.

Update

About the job that I turned down - the director called and spoke with me for a half hour. I'm sold. It turns out that I'll be vetting reports and not writing them from scratch. There will be steering committees for each aspect of the project, and representatives from each department to coordinate trainings and meetings. Bottom line is, I CAN STILL TRADE IN THE EVENING (when US market opens). I'll be meeting the highest management tomorrow, and we'll see how things go from there.

As far as trading goes, there's nothing much going on. I'm distracted, and also in the midst of sorting out what type of trades I want to take (I'm learning not to feel bad about not catching all the big moves in the symbols I trade).

This is from yesterday:

Life's Interruptions

I'm taking a break. There's too much going on (chinese new year celebration that I hate, job interviews to attend, and some personal matters to settle), and I'm losing focus.

Sometimes, sad movies make me cry.

I Love Fridays

GC 10min

Outlined in pink are places where I sold. Yes, I am stubborn. I was prepared to be stopped out on every trade I took. I simply MUST have my S1 target TODAY.

D's still marveling at my 10% winning ratio: