I've received emails asking for access to this blog which I closed over the weekend (the main reason that visitors want in is my bloglist).
I realized my action was abrupt, but I have my reasons.
That said, I'm feeling really bad about what I did. AND, I miss writing about my day.
So, I'm feeling really torn here.
I'm also feeling extremely suicidal.
Tomorrow, I'll be meeting a friend that I've known for more than 2 decades. We were supposed to have met up months ago - we didn't because things got in the way at first, and finally I became so withdrawn I simply couldn't step out of my home. Boon Sin writes beautifully in Chinese and expresses her feelings so well I'm almost envious. I was reading her blog from her very first post to the most recent one, and noticed how similar we are in terms of how we FEEL, but how very different in terms of how we THINK and make decisions. Putting it simply, she does what she feels; I don't. My actions and the decisions I make don't always reflect my feelings. As a matter of fact, I try to NOT feel.
I've not seen Boon Sin for more than a decade, even though we live on the same tiny island. We've always managed to keep in contact though. She was one of my closer friends before I went away for a decade, and one of the sweetest persons I know. She remains one of the rare few female friends I have (for some reason, I have problem communicating with girls and women). Extremely soft and kind (explains why she would even be my friend), she's almost the opposite of me. She's also a beautiful mother of 3, and plays the piano professionally. It isn't that I wish I could have her life - I like mine, no matter how screwed up it has been - but I just wish I can feel a little of the bliss she feels on a daily basis.
I traded crude oil yesterday. It was a terrible choice. I would have done better trading crazy nat gas. I took a loss of USD 150 by the end of the session, but it isn't the loss per se that frustrates me -it's how I habitually like to make BAD choices these days that's killing me.
I realized my action was abrupt, but I have my reasons.
That said, I'm feeling really bad about what I did. AND, I miss writing about my day.
So, I'm feeling really torn here.
I'm also feeling extremely suicidal.
Tomorrow, I'll be meeting a friend that I've known for more than 2 decades. We were supposed to have met up months ago - we didn't because things got in the way at first, and finally I became so withdrawn I simply couldn't step out of my home. Boon Sin writes beautifully in Chinese and expresses her feelings so well I'm almost envious. I was reading her blog from her very first post to the most recent one, and noticed how similar we are in terms of how we FEEL, but how very different in terms of how we THINK and make decisions. Putting it simply, she does what she feels; I don't. My actions and the decisions I make don't always reflect my feelings. As a matter of fact, I try to NOT feel.
I've not seen Boon Sin for more than a decade, even though we live on the same tiny island. We've always managed to keep in contact though. She was one of my closer friends before I went away for a decade, and one of the sweetest persons I know. She remains one of the rare few female friends I have (for some reason, I have problem communicating with girls and women). Extremely soft and kind (explains why she would even be my friend), she's almost the opposite of me. She's also a beautiful mother of 3, and plays the piano professionally. It isn't that I wish I could have her life - I like mine, no matter how screwed up it has been - but I just wish I can feel a little of the bliss she feels on a daily basis.
I traded crude oil yesterday. It was a terrible choice. I would have done better trading crazy nat gas. I took a loss of USD 150 by the end of the session, but it isn't the loss per se that frustrates me -it's how I habitually like to make BAD choices these days that's killing me.
5 comments:
I've enjoyed reading your blog for some time now. I hope you feel better!
Hi Jules,
I've never posted on your blog before, mostly because I think it's a bit odd talking to someone online you've never met, but I will say that I always enjoy reading your posts, both of your trades and of your emotional struggles.
I will be honest and say that although I can relate your emotions to those I've had in the past, I always read your thoughts, not focusing on your conflicts and struggles, but rather with the hopes you find your true self - the Jules who is wonderful, free, glowing, carefree. I'm sure those who love you see you in this way, and hopefully one day you'll be able to see yourself in the same light. I hope that one day I come to this blog and it's renamed "Jules in Joy", as silly as that may seem to you. Just remember you can't always be in bliss, but you can always choose to reach for the better feeling thought, you can always choose to seek relief. You can always choose to acknowledge you're torn, but to imagine the conflict dissolving and focusing on how good the solution will feel. I'm not going to lie and say you'll feel bliss immediately, you may not. But if you seek and feel any amount of relief at all, that's a victory in itself. Eventually bliss will come.
I can say I'm glad you reopened your blog, and hope that it stays opened and you post often, but only if that's what you truly want. And no matter if you keep it open or not, I will now read it as "Jules in Joy" in the title in hopes that one day the jumbled Jules that you may have been and still are will catch up with the joyful Jules that's in my mind. (Sorry if that comes off cheesy, but it's true)
Take care, I hope your meeting with your friend goes well and hope that things work out for the best.
just in case, I'd like to thank you for writing one of the few trader's blog with a soul out there. Best of luck to whatever you do.
i'm happy you reopened! You realise some people could turn suicidal not being able to read about seabloke?
be happy! You're one of the rare few who can blog about the bloke!
I'm here mostly to read about your thoughts as a person and trader. Although i have to say you have a pretty extensive list of blogs and i find them useful.
Welcome back, Jules.
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