DOWN

I'm not feeling cheery today, and I can't think of anyone in particular that I want to talk to, so I'm just going to have to make everyone that's dropped in listen to my rant.

I'm feeling LONELY, coz many on my blogroll, for various reasons, have gone quiet. I feel like I'm the only one that's still trading and talking on a daily basis. The community has apparently grown on me with time, without my realizing it until half the virtual community went QUIET.

I have been staring at the 6E for the past few days, and I haven't entered a single trade. Not even on the simulator. Plenty of "imaginery" trades though. And lots of doodlings on my charts. But no trades. I simply don't recognize my tape anymore. It's strange. The numbers are alien. And because of that, I had sat on my hands. I'm giving myself til next Monday to snap out of it. If I don't, I'll trade crude oil instead. That should make me appreciate the 6E.

Above all, I'm worried about Denarii. I have a gift that I can't seem to appreciate - I pick up vibes and feel people's feelings and intentions, and distance is never an obstacle. I don't even need to know the person. I "see" people's future state, and that's always been nightmarish for me. I stay away from people coz I don't want to be affected. Or maybe I just don't want to be a jinx. Whatever that I can imagine tend to materialize over time. I'm feeling terrible for Denarii EVERY single day. And I hope he's getting the help that he needs.

My list is long, but I'm going to stop here.

ES Trade 7/20 (Mon) - Very BAD ES

This market really stumps me.

Got in on a trade before 10am, but missed my BEAUTIFUL 3rd TOUCH AGAIN. Utterly hate missing 3rd touches.

Am back to trading 1 contract. Until I can figure out where this crazy thing's going, I'm sticking to single contract.

D got in on the same trade, but was filled at a tick higher, coz he had gone in with a limit order. We had no idea what the other was doing until he got out with a 1-tick gain (the initial 4-tick paper loss scared him a little). He took a peek at what I was doing, and was shocked to see that I had set a 3-point target.

Anyway, I wasn't expecting ES to break OR high, and bailed 1 tick below it.

D went,"why just 1 contract??!"

To which I replied,"CAPITAL PRESERVATION!! I'm buying high! I'm not even sure I should be buying!"

D went,"Now that's what I'm talking about. That's the right mindset. Good job!"

D tickles me.

His toxic assets are making money, and he's having a lot of fun buying and writing options (yes, like JE). Futures' just not his cup of tea.

I have a chat buddy! J's a God-sent.

I just gotta stop wanting to fade him.

Yes, I'm an ungrateful creature. Am definitely working on being nice.

Never-Ending Guilt Trip

It runs in my family (family doesn't include mummy dearest) - we let guilt eat us alive.

Counting mine that's eating me day in day out:

1) Not calling mum
2) Not calling aunt
3) Not calling Ken who's ill
4) Not calling my retired cleaning lady
5) Not calling Carrie who was ill but recovering (hopefully)
6) Not calling Ryan, who's called/emailed/text/poked me on facebook many times
7) Not calling Eric - my dear sworn brother in HK - who's called a few times
8) Not calling Celeste to confirm that she's received the half a dozen books I've got Amazon to ship to her
9) Not having returned any facebook messages from friends
10) Not having responded to any facebook comments from friends
11) Not having responded to all in the trading community that had wanted me to contribute articles to their site, those that had asked me to review their site, those that want to put a link, do an interview, etc
12) Not having called D's dentist
13) Not given D a back rub for weeks
14) Not having cooked for D in more than a decade
15) Not having put D in bed early enough every night
16) Not having responded to all the friends that have written and called me in the past 12 months
17) Not given Alberto a good massage for months
18) Not found Alberto's favorite toy - his phantom bug (from a laser torch)- since we moved into our new home 15 months ago
19) Not having allowed Keish to sit on my lap for more than 15 minutes for the past 15 months
20) Not having given my cleaning lady enough air-time whenever she had wanted to talk about her troubles
21) Not having spent time with my nieces during weekends because I'm just so completely exhausted after five days of battling the market 16 - 18 hours a day everyday

This is half of the list that I carry with me everyday.

The other half's even heavier, and I can't even begin to put it down in words.

Denarii's Daughter - Update

Update of Katie's progress by Katie's mum:

Sunday, July 19, 2009 11:08 AM, CDT

Hi everyone - so far, so good! Things were a little rocky to start with at the new rehab center- Kat's in the brain injury unit and since her issues are very mild, she kind of feels like she doesn't belong there. However, she also seems to be taking charge of her recovery now - stating her goals and insisting that her treatment be focused on that - and that's a very good sign. Her dad says she's eating much better and the headaches are fewer. He reports that yesterday her speech was much more logical and words more accurate.

Kat now has her iPhone so she can call, text, email, etc. - so please get in touch/stay in touch if you want. Visitors are good, too! Just call ahead to make sure when she's available. Hours are 8 am to 8 pm and that's firm. Like most places, weekdays are busiest, weekends are slower.

I'm hoping to talk with the treatment team early next week and find out their assessment and plan. But everything is looking pretty good right now!

Your prayers, loving and healing thoughts and energy, and all good intentions are most helpful, welcome, and felt. If you've called me and I haven't called back, please know that I appreciate you and your support - you'll hear from me eventually.

One favor I would like to ask: I want very much to go back to visit Kat in the 6 weeks or so, before my university teaching duties kick back in, but my finances are very limited right now (esp. after the expensive emergency trip), and I don't have credit cards. I do have an account with Points.com and a friend of mine told me that people who want to donate some of their points from frequent-purchaser programs to me, can do so. That would make it possible for me to afford another flight to Syracuse. If anyone knows hows the system works to donate points, please email me OFF this site (sally_stanton@yahoo.com) with info.

Thanks in advance if you are able to help me with this, either with information or by donating points!

Faith

I've been chatting with a friend during the US trading session lately (yes, a brand new experience for me) and on Friday, just right after he called a top at a certain level, I went long, and was stopped out eventually of course.

Friend said I had no faith in him; I said I have no faith in anyone.

And that's just who I've always been.

I believe that to have faith in another human being is absolutely the worst thing that one could do to himself/herself.

I say this from personal experience, and I don't care if others don't see what I see.

The past year has been the best year of my life, all because I STOP WANTING to have faith in those closest to me.

During the years that I had wanted to believe and have faith, I had spent tremendous amount of energy and time looking for reasons to do so, only to uncover things and witness events that support my hypothesis that people who claim they love me are generally not trustworthy.

I ended up disappointed - utterly enraged in fact - and started launching a series of merciless assaults that caused a lot of heartaches.

It was when I finally stopped having faith, and stopped wanting to have it that I found peace and joy.

Having no faith, and expecting the worst everyday works for me, and I intend to keep it that way.

ES Trades 7/17 (Fri) - BAD ES

That's all the ES for me today.

The thing that didn't work for me today is my stop. But since I've chosen a 2-point fixed stop for this week, I'm not going to complain.

Moving forward, I'm going to be using a flexible stop (hard stop has never really worked for me). If a trade needs a stop that is wider than what I'm comfortable with, I'll just have to pass, no matter how enticing the potential reward is.

I'm up for the week still - albeit barely - so I'll wrap up.

I'm going to get a good rest, put everything unpleasant and uninspiring behind me, and start next week FRESH.

I've really gotten very rusty with ES, and am giving up 6E for good so I can focus on ES again. Trading 6E during the globex hours drains me of the energy I need to trade the ES (I usually start looking at 6E from 7am and trade it to around 5pm my time) .

It sucks to have to give up 6E, coz, honestly, I much prefer the 6E.

Actually, there's no comparison.

I suspect I actually HATE the ES.

I hate anything that doesn't move up or down DECISIVELY. I love UNFORGIVING instruments. And 6E is definitely unforgiving.

So why the hell am I choosing ES over 6E?

I don't know yet. Except that I intend to trade very huge contracts in the not-so-near future. And ES meets the criteria.

Or perhaps ES is what keeps me connected with the others.

Hardly anyone I know trades the 6E.

Will someone please trade 6E???

Reply To Long And Wrong, NQJ and Jimmy 's Comments On Volume Charts

Long and Wrong (Formerly Uncertain Futures) asked:

Jules - I've been trying to get my head around these vol charts but it just makes my brain ache too much when I try to think about what the differences will/should be compared to time. Have you got any thoughts/references etc?

UF (I'm assuming what you're asking is why the switch from time to volume charts and I'm responding accordingly...let me know if I got it all wrong....),

MY THOUGHTS

I hadn't given this much thought before you asked, and was just exploring volume-charts after having been exposed to footprint charts (I knew about footprint charts a few months back but just couldn't get pass that stage of understanding how they work - it's a tad like reading those 2000-page TWS instructional manual) in a chatroom that a friend had invited me to join for free for a few days.

I still wasn't sold after that few days, but began thinking about volume again. The fact that I rely so much on market depth tells me that I DO appreciate the significance of volume, and that the footprint chart is probably many times more informative than market depth. But there's just too much processing of info that's needed when using footprint.

I always believe that when it comes to trading, you only need an edge to lay a bet, whatever form that edge comes in. My edge is not in processing multiple sources of data before making a decision. A footprint chart is just too cluttered and requires too much pondering on the "structure" aspect of the market and comes with too many "numbers" for my liking.

Now I could always use a time-based chart and add a volume indicator to it. Doing that however, would require the analyzing of the volume indicator, and that's TOO MUCH thinking to do for me (i did say I can only process one piece of info at a time).

So in a spark of genius (I do get this once in a blue moon), I pulled out Sierra's volume charts and started experimenting with the volume size. I must have put in at least 10 different numbers before I settled for one that shows a chart that I can see very unambiguous supports and resistances, and candles that are not too ridiculous in size (something similar to 5-min was very appealing as it means I won't have to take on more risk for a "less noisy" chart).

With range and tick charts - I just simply cannot understand their workings, and I can't use anything until I can understand them. So I'll be doing more studies.

With volume charts, I understand them but I'm not able to explain in a coherent way why and how they work FOR ME. That's why my plan going forward is to explain by "showing" how I trade using these charts.

To put it even more simply, I have gone over the selected volume-charts - a few weeks of data - and I can "see" certain patterns and I can understand how the candles' opening and closing and the size of the candles relate to one another. So I decided to give volume charts a shot. I trust my understanding enough to start using them live. As I mentioned, I would explain to the best of my ability how they work as I go along. For now, I can only show that they work.

REFERENCES

I managed to find a few (click here, here, here, and Daytrader 233's Blog) and I have to say, reading them (with the exception of Daytrader's) gives me a BAD headache. I am only doing this for you ;-) ...I knew they were out there, I just didn't bother to read up coz to me, the theory per se isn't quite as important as the application and the BOTTOM LINE. Anything that helps me to make money consistently is good enough for me. :-)

Hope I haven't given you more headache...

NQJ and Jimmy:

About Top and Bottom Picking:

Depending on the context, I think it's ok to fade a trend. I can't come up with an example off the cuff now besides 2nd entry setups (I'm still feeling very drowsy...), but will show them on more charts to come. On days that are not trending, top and bottom picking is not only ok but actually necessary if you want to be able to get in on a fairly profitable trade. Brooks has some of his methods listed and Chp 15 is a good place to start (this is for Jimmy, I'm not sure if Jaya's reading Brooks).

ok, now I'm going back to sleep.

I know I'm a broken record, please bear with me. If you are reading this, I BEG you to please check out Denarii's blog and help him if it's within your means. Here's a fellow trader who might not have the resources (time, energy, capital, etc) to trade anymore, and that in itself is something that's tearing me apart. If you're a trader, and you understand how that feels, and you feel the same, I really hope you'll extend a helping hand.

ES Trade 7/16 (Thurs) - Whacked

ES 40k V

ok, so I had umpteen plans and ideas today. I drew lines, I counted my candles, I put in stop orders after stop orders that didn't get filled - which was a good thing (I would hate to be trapped at price top!) - then I put in an order to buy a BEAUTIFUL "3rd touch" (see chart above) setup (which would have been a very profitable trade HAD I TAKEN IT!!) - only to end up buying a "bears trapped in, bulls trapped out" setup.

So, yes, I'm a little upset.

But that's not why I'm calling it a day.

It's 3am my time - that's an hour away from market close - and ES has hit 937.5 resistance ie. I'm just being realistic.

If price wants to probe higher, that's not my concern. It's D's. He just sold some shares. He hates leaving profits on the table.

To all who have left comments: I'll reply in a few hours...I just really need to get some sleep first...my apologies...

Daytrader: THANKS (though I haven't checked out your post...but THANKS!!)

ES 7/15 - Trader-X's Way

ENTRY

On days when I'm stumped as to how to get in on a trending day, I will adopt Trader-X's method of using Fib to get an entry. Trader-X uses 10 min charts, and he trades mainly stocks. But I've noticed that his method works equally well on the ES 5min. I've never used it on volume charts. So I'll be doing some backward and forward testing.

Now, back to yesterday - ES gapped up 10 points during the open yesterday, and continued to move up 4 bars (I'm using volume candles - the 4th candle had closed at 9:48am).

The 5th candle had a low that's lower than that of the 4th.

Once the 5th candle's low starts probing the 4th's, one can start drawing a fib retracement, starting from the OR low and drag it to the OR high (both highlighted on chart above).

The low of the 5th candle is seen to reject fib 50 level. This hammer-like candle (in this case, not technically a hammer - since candle is not right at the bottom of a price decline) would become my "signal" candle, and I will look to buy 1 tick above. Stop loss is generally 1-tick below the signal candle (If I'm using a fixed 8-tick stop, I'll pass if the signal candle is too long).

I missed the opening yesterday, and missed the setup.

EXIT

For exits, Trader-X's would generally use Fib Extention 132.8 as target. He would take the previous day's low as the starting point, and today's OR high as the end point to find Fib 132.8.

In my case, I would be more confident of a Fib 132.8 target if that point coincides with a major resistance or if it meets a trendline resistance.

Chart above shows where Fib 0, 100 and 132.8 are.

As I said, I find this method to be particularly useful on trending days, where price is just crawling along a trendline, and not pulling back enough to provide decent entries for scalps.

Had I not missed the opening bell, I would have entered after the candle I've marked "HL2" (see "Entry" section above). As far as exits are concerned, I'm still working on holding on to profits a little longer, and it will take me some time to trust fib 132.8 enough to cover there (Even though I've seen ES hitting that target numerous times before in similar context).

This is a trade with a 5R profit potential: 2 point stop loss, 10 point profit.

Definitely worth adding to one's trading arsenal.

Note: Context is important here. ES gapped up (10 points is a wide gap) and never closed gap in the first 30 mins. Price continued moving up, pulling back slightly only to bounce off from OR high to probe higher levels. Zooming out my chart shows key resistance at 928.5 (the tip of a dragon tail in a "dragon tail" pattern setup). When you put all these into consideration, you'll be more confident in using fib targets for exits. Scalping for ticks are best left for choppy and ranging days.

ES Trade 7/15 (Wed)

ES 40k V

Seems to me there's going to be another leg down from here.

Trending days are not my days, I'm a little distracted, D just got home, it's lunch time, and FOMC minutes coming out less than 2 hours from now.

So, definitely calling it a day.

Volume-candle is good so far. But we'll see.

Denarii's Daughter - Update & An Earnest Appeal

Please find below Katie's progress update.

I am appealing to you to visit Katie's journal homepage, and hit the "Donate" button. Denarii has been through a lot (you'll find the details on his blog) even before this incident, and is now just downright distraught. He's not sure that Katie knows how badly she's been hurt, so financial worries aside, he's agonizing over Katie's decision to go back to work immediately (Katie's still showing signs of confusion, and has memory lapses).

It tears me up to read this note from Denarii:
I picked up her clothing. I was covered in blood, throw up and.... I nearly died when I opened upp the package. Something I never thought I would ever have to do in my life.

My earnest request: please drop Denarii or Katie a note - they both need a lot of emotional support - keep them in your prayers, and please, please, please, help him in whatever ways you can with the medical bills (any amount - no matter how small - is greatly appreciated).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 2:33 PM, CDT

Hello, everyone - I think we can say the acute phase is over and now healing is a matter of time, Kat's cooperation (!) and continued good care. Kat has another CT scan last night, just to check on progress, but we have no results yet. The neurosurgeo

n was optimistic that she'll recover with "little to no" functional deficits, provided all continues to go well. It's likely she'll be released to the acute inpatient rehab unit later this week.

Updates will be fewer now as I have returned to Milwaukee (I couldn't take any more time off work) and must rely on others for news. Kat does not yet have a phone or cell phone and I'm not sure what the situation will be with that. She still tires easily and sleeps a lot, which is what she needs.

I'll speak with her dad tonight (he will continue to be in Syracuse with her for at least another week) and will have more information tomorrow. Jeff (Denarii) had quite an adventure last night; when returning to his hotel, he discovered that the apartment building across the street had exploded and was on fire! Never a dull moment, I guess.

So, from now on, "no news is good news" applies. Thank you all again for help, support, kind words, prayers, food, etc. during this past week. It's helped more than you could possibly know, that we have such good friends and family supporting us.

I will post here information about a donation fund for Kat as soon as I have it.

Switching To Volume-Based Chart

ES 40k V

2 trades taken off a volume-based chart.

A friend (thank you, J!) who introduced me to footprint charting and market profiling inspired me to play around with my Sierra chart - switched my 5 min to volume-based and played around with the numbers.

I like it!

About time...to FORGET TIME.

Will share more along the way.

Posting of PnL and trading logs to resume tomorrow.

Sleepless

It's nearly 3am, and I can't sleep.

My trading has sucked since Friday. Even my sim trades sucked big time.

There's just so much going on in the HEART: I feel sad for people, I miss people, and I detest people. It was just a week of emotional roller coaster ride.

Most detrimental was the part where I was reminded for the first time that I am really new at this - something I've managed to push out of mind until the recent saga. While many who are equally new, or have been at this maybe a year or 2 longer have had always wanted to trade, for me, trading was a "hobby" I kind of picked up overnight. It could very well have been Italian, or Spanish...anyway, it's not a good feeling - to have God knows how many out there reading about the silly questions I asked a pompous guru just a little less than a year ago...

Well, to hell with my feelings.

I'm giving posting my daily trading log and PnL another shot. A healthy dose of stress and pressure has always been what motivates me. Without them, I can't move forward. I'm just not the calm and collected kind that is ok with slow and steady growth. I have to put my results out there and myself on the line, while not getting affected by days that I don't perform. It's going to be really hard, but the alternative doesn't seem any better. The right thing to do would be to focus on my long term vision and commitment of course, but it's not something I'm able to do at this juncture. Meanwhile, I can't just sit around waiting for my state to get better. I'll just have to accept that I'm in a lousy state, forgive myself for feeling lousy, and MOVE ON.

I'm giving it a week - I'll be back trading next Monday, and posting my results as I've always done in the past.

Denarii's Daughter - Update

Extracted from Katie's journal updates (I've omitted certain info...but you can find them when you go into the website):

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 10, 2009 6:25 PM, CDT

Kat slept much of the afternoon and this evening, due to meds she is taking. She is drinking water and actually took a pill by mouth for the first time. We hope the nasal tube will be removed tomorrow. She really wants it out and we had to do a lot of fast talking to keep her from yanking on it.

The cervical collar was removed this afternoon, making her much more comfortable.

Around 6 p.m., Kat got out of bed for the first time since she arrived here. She sat in a chair for about 5 minutes, decided she wanted to lie down again, and hopped up and into the bed before we could even call the nurse.

As her health improves, our next concern is how she will manage when it's time to go home. And the hospital bills. She has no health insurance. I don't have to tell anyone how much this costing her...the hospital alone is $15K per day, and that doesn't even include the doctors.

Pray for Kat to have good healthy sleep tonight and an even better day tomorrow.

Saturday, July 11, 2009 4:19 PM, CDT

Kat's been sleeping most of the day; she ate a few bites of lunch but that's about it.

She complained of a bad headache in forehead area this afternoon, so she's on pain medication for that. Other than that, everything has been fine. Her blood pressure has been overall lower, so the meds are controlling that pretty well. She's been out of bed a few times, but isn't staying up much yet. Although, she did get pretty insistent about leaving this afternoon.

If you want to email Kat, there's a page on the hospital website where you can email her and a volunteer will print it and bring it to Kat to read. She can dictate a reply as well.

Please do send a card if you can spare a minute. Kat needs to know she has a lot of people wishing her well right now. Funny cards (not corny) are good.

The address is:

Kat Stanton
Neurosciences ICU
East Tower 9F
Room 18
SUNY Upstate Medical University Hospital
750 East Adams St.
Syracuse, NY 13210

We expect Kat to be in ICU a few more days at least, maybe to midweek. After that she goes to a regular Neuro unit and then we'll see.

Sunday, July 12, 2009 9:46 AM, CDT

Hi Everyone - Kat's taken a big step forward today - she was able to give herself a sponge bath and then sit in a chair. She really tried to talk us into letting her have a shower but as she still is getting some IV fluids that's not gonna happen.

Speech is still a bit disordered, but she's more oriented to where she is and what's happening. They changed her meds yesterday and her BP has normalized. She ate more food for breakfast (complaining how awful it was the whole time) than she did all day yesterday. Her boyfriend Ben is here today, which makes her a lot happier. We still have not located her eyeglasses, so she's wearing her aviator shades...it's SO Katie.

Doothy's suggestion is a good one, I hadn't thought of that. When I return to Milwaukee tomorrow I will set up a fund in her name and post information here for those who wish to donate. I have heard also that some people in Ithaca are going to hold a benefit for her. We are so grateful for all the people who love and care for Kat.

Thanks every one for your continued support!

Premarket Analysis

On Saturday, I showed my 5-year-old nieces (Seabloke's twins) how I draw MY price and trend lines, and how I erase them.

They learned quickly and were actually drawing price lines on support and resistance!

Then the younger twin (the one who has a shorter attention span than me) came up with this:


The older twin (the sentimental one) drew this:


Even more inspired now, the younger twin did this:


I'm sure they mean something...

if only I can decipher them...

I could be looking at a 50-point-profit week!

Denarii's Daughter

Denarii's daughter is still in intensive care, but is making progress - thanks to all who have prayed for her.

I'll check with Denarii if it's ok for me to post her CaringBridge journal entries here, since accessing these entries (written by Katie's mum) will require one to register with CaringBridge, and I'm not sure that everyone will want to do that.

But I do wish that you will register (it's a very simple registration that will take you less than 5 minutes to complete) to read her story, and that you'll help in ways that you can find out more about on her journal entries.

Juz Thoughts

I'm tired of maintaining a "friendly" blog in a world that's generally unfriendly and filled with people with intentions that will never be 100% clear to me. I ask myself why I've kept writing and the only logical reason that I can come up with is: I just really want to see how long I can last.

It's in my blood. I'll fight til either of these happens:
1) I drop dead
2) I lose interest

I wouldn't exactly call the week that has passed a good week. But I've been through more upsetting times. I've even been through highly traumatic phases that spanned years. The only difference between now and then is that right now, I'm putting the best and worst of me out there for everyone who chances upon this site to see and judge. It's a whole new experience - not at all fun, but definitely very challenging, very trying, and very enriching.

For a highly sensitive and emotional person like me, blogging has gotta be the worst choice of hobby. But I'm also a rebel by default. I just have to see how this will end.

My mind's really busy right now; I need to unload. I'm thinking about things and people that irk me, and also about those that have a soft spot in my heart.

I think about "virtual" friends that I have lost touch with for a while now: Andrew Unknown (welcome back!), Harry and Moyo;

I think about J;

I think about the one that I always have an extremely soft spot for: Denarii

When I think of what he's going through now, there's just no room within me for other emotions anymore.

I wish that his daughter will recover quickly, and that he will be back on his feet in no time again.

I'm not sure that my prayers will be answered, for I'm not ready to forget yet.

So, I hope that those who are reading this will remember Denarii in your prayers.

Prayers For Denarii

Denarii's daughter was injured in a fall...I'm not able to access the link that was posted, but I gather it is a serious fall....

Please keep him and his daughter in your prayers.

A New Beginning

Thank you so much, everyone who has left kind and uplifting notes for me.

I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about certain patterns that I observed in my trading.

Now, how and where do I even begin?

Most of you would have noticed by now that I don't "talk to" you. I write as if I'm talking to myself, and for as long as I'm typing, I'm able to forget that there are those out there who know me and those who don't, who are going to be reading what I've written, coz I've never developed that kind of confidence to "address an audience".

But maybe that's a good thing for you.

Because I'm able to block you out when I write, you always get what I'll call my "raw" thoughts - unsophisticated, earthy, ok maybe sometimes even septic - and a complete picture of my trading activities and performance on a daily basis. Depending on your reason for coming in here, you reap different benefits from reading about what I lay out here publicly: my life - both as a trader, and as someone who is at her very core an extreme human hater.

My thoughts are always not well-organized, always in jumbles, so I'm sorry I'm going to have to ask you to just do your best to follow along.

I want to talk about how I first got into trading.

After having worked in a bank for 3 years, and in public service (police) for 7, I decided that I've had enough of having to deal with people day in and day out. Face-to-face interaction with humans drains me in a way that's difficult for me to describe. I was always ill - migraine attacked me once every other day - and I felt like my life was going to be cut short if I continued to work in environments that require me to see and talk to people.

So, I took a permanent break from work, and enrolled myself in all sorts of courses just to see if I could find something that I could LOVE doing for the rest of my life. I've even attended NLP (neurolinguistic programming) "bootcamps", where I learned to condition my brain to not freak out at the sight of COCKROACHES. Ha!

Anyway, one of the courses I took was a 5-session basic trading course, some time in late 2007. Without any banking and finance background, or any knowledge or interest in investment and trading before, needless to say, I had a hard time in class. Everyone else seemed to have had some kind of trading experience - some were there after having been badly burnt dabbling in stocks, others had been "conned" by some PHD (???) in Options and lost a fortune trading his system that promised 7000% (along that line) returns. In a nutshell, everyone else knew the difference between stocks and forex, what support and resistance meant, they knew their MACDs and MAs, and what nots. Me? I was just CLUELESS.

But I love those candles, and was fascinated by indicators. So after "graduating" from the course, I began on a hunting spree for books and blogs on indicators especially. I played around with them, memorized those candlestick patterns with the strangest names, and started paper trading FOREX and options. I had mixed results, and had a hard time understanding and appreciating the relevance of indicators. I started reading up on chart patterns, Elliot Waves, Fib, and started to notice how everyone's basically saying the same thing, but just in different "languages". I read heaps of other books while paper trading at the same time, completely forgetting about the other things that I had wanted to pick up - spanish, italian, dancing, etc.

After being on the simulator for 6 months, I went live. That was the time that I began to blog again after having shut down my blog for 6 months. Blogging was the other thing that was very new to me then. I put up my first blog post in Jan 2008 - it was a strange experience. I should mention that it was Seabloke who INSPIRED me to start a blog. I was at her place once, and she was sitting on the floor playing with her Mac. I took a peep at what she was doing, and then burst out laughing. I couldn't believe my baby sister had become a blogger - the type that we used to make fun of all the time. Anyway, I was in an adventurous mode then, so I gave it a shot. I think I posted less than a dozen posts before I shut it down 2 months later.

End May 2008 was a new beginning for me - I started blogging actively, and trading live.

The rest's history.

As I was saying, I have been thinking a lot about my trading. What I noticed was that while posting my results did help a little initially, it has caused more harm than good as I progressed. I will not go into the details for now, and will talk more in future posts. Suffice to say that the pressure of having to maintain positive days had caused me to do on many occasions what I usually do when I feel I'm being "controlled" - I self-destruct. All I need is the trivialest of event, a minor irritant, to detonate.

Some call this phenomenon "fear of success". I'm not sure that's what I'm dealing with. If anything, I WANT success, I THIRST for success, and I want to be successful in trading more than I ever wanted anything else.

So, I really don't know what this is about. And I don't wish to dwell on it. What I'm interested in is the "HOW", not the "WHY". I want to know how to stop this vicious cycle of self-sabotaging. So I'm going to start changing some of my routines - among which is the keeping tabs of my daily results. Not only am I going to stop posting them, I'm going to stop recording them.

I am aware that I'll be losing the majority of you who have come in here daily to check out that green/red figure at the end of a trading day. But that's not going to be a regret to me. I have made friends here, and I believe that you will still drop by now and then to say 'Hi'. And that's good enough for me. I've never been one who loves attention from strangers. I cherish friendships, and I actually love to help (surprise!!!). True friends and emails telling me that I've helped in a certain way jolt my heart back to life. Hence, moving forward, this will be the purpose of my blog: to connect with others who are passionate about trading.

I'm not sure yet how I'm going to be doing it. I will definitely not be posting my daily PnL. I will, however, continue to post charts, and whenever I do, I'll post the trading log as well. I think it is important (if my purpose is to help) that people can trust that those are really trades that I've taken - since I haven't earned any credentials yet. I will be posting both winning and losing trades - anything that has some learning values in them.

I might also start posting about how I go about planning my trades, and a bunch of other stuff. I don't know for sure yet.

I will most certainly be writing a lot more on non-trading matters - maybe even some haunting past. For all I know, maybe someday this will come in handy - e.g.when I decide to write a memoir. Afterall, I did have a very dramatic and colorful history.... I could even write a novel based on my life...but I'll have to kill D first since he doesn't actually know everything there's to know about me YET. 16 years with him and I managed to keep my dark secrets to myself...I deserve a medal.

Anyway, this is NOT a farewell post. I never do farewells. When I'm gone, I'm just gone.

This is just the beginning. And I hope that by May 2010, I can finally tell you that I'm confident that I'm on the right track. What I have in mind is not merely a goal. I have a vision, and I'm afraid that for now, only one person will know.

Ziad (SURPRISE!!!!).

Going back to save my trade now.

Intermission

I am not going to be trading for a while. For how long, I don't know. I have underestimated the impact my negative emotions have had on my trading behavior, and I want to do the right thing for me this time.

I will never stop hating self-righteous, selfish, hypocritical asses, and for as long as I keep a public blog, I will be exposed to them - the wolves in sheepskin. I need to find a way to become immune to them, and I need to pick up skills that will help me sniff them out before they can get close enough to affect me emotionally.

I am desperately needing a cure to my most fatal flaw: my inability to live and let live. When I bite, I won't let go. I will see to it that my enemy bleeds to death, even if it's at my own expense. My mind doesn't stop playing the images of people that annoy me, and the only way that it will stop is when I can begin to feel sorry for them.

If I don't get this part of me fixed, I'll never trade with consistent result.

So, as Emini Player has pointed out, I either get my emotions under control, or learn to not let my emotions get in the way of my trading.

Either way, I need time.