From Jules in Jumbles May 08

Feel (From Jules in Jumbles 24 May 08
I've never felt this tired in my entire life. I'm physically and mentally tired. My soul is tired. I'm so tired having to move my fingers all over the keyboard to type out this post is a struggle. My dishes are not done; the laundry's in the machine and i have no idea what to do with them; the unpacked boxes remained unpacked; Al is begging for something and I haven't the energy to find out what it is; there are so many calls to make that I just can't be bothered anymore to make any of them. I should be updating my resume and sending them out but I have neither the motivation nor the inspiration to start work on it.

I'm officially the laziest and most useless person I see around me.

I've lived 35 years - 20 of which I lived exactly as I was taught to live by my dad, who was my role model, my idol, and the pillar of my strength and my life. It never occurred to me to question the rationale behind the way I was raised. I was brought up sheltered, overly protected, and isolated from the rest of the world. I was raised like a boy, and one that was expected to be without blemish. I hardly wore a dress, never really behaved like a typical girl, and never showed any signs of meekness. The only authority I submitted to was my dad's. It didn't bother him a bit that I was almost every teacher's nightmare. After all, I was bright, I was bold like a boy, and most importantly, I was not beyond his control.

I was a good kid by today's standard -

I smiled and greeted my parents every morning;

I smiled and greeted every adult that I met that was a friend or an acquaintance of my parents';

I never failed to express my gratitude for any services rendered to me;

I always asked politely for people to get out of my way;

I always apologized and smiled ever so sweetly to boys I beat up after bashing them up and after their parents complained to my dad about my bullying;

I never hit a girl (not really, I've slapped a pair of twins - which made them TWO girls - at one go);

I never whined;

up til I was 20 and married, I never reasoned with my dad over what he dictated that i should and should not do - suffice to say that how I felt about those ridiculously strict rules imposed on me was not of material concern to him - and on occasions that I so much as asked "why", I would get in every instance an angry "because I said so" response;

I did my workout, practiced on my electric organ, swam, ate, drank and slept at the time designated by my dad;

I kept no friends and therefore never really hogged the phone like the other normal teenage girls and guys did (the first person I spent longer than half an hour on the phone with was my baby sister's classmate, and the reason I bothered to talk to him in the first place was because he had loads of second hand books for sale and I loved books...anyways, we really clicked and hence chatted frequently, mostly about books and about his hunky brother who was incidentally a star athlete in my school...had I known that all my phone calls were actually tapped, I would never have talked about his cute brother that I was then insanely infatuated with!!);

I was chauffeured everywhere, and I do mean EVEYWHERE, by my dad so it was impossible for me to get into trouble anywhere else other than within my school compound;

my dad hardly had to see the principal more than once a month for her to complain to him about what a rogue I had been;

I never hit my maids;

I never tortured any living things - their deaths were swift (whilst I would supervise the blowing up of toads with fire starters, my baby brother, on the other hand, was covertly conducting vicious experiments like freezing grasshoppers to death, in jello...);

even in frustration over being confined, I always came out to greet and hug my dad after turning my room into a war zone (anger, or, to be precise, the free expression of anger, was something which was totally accepted in my family, as long as the expression bit was done in the privacy of our own rooms);

I never burdened my dad with meaningless grievances or annoyed him with the cliched "you don't/ won't understand" retort, because I was fully aware that I had not earned the right to be heard and understood;

I knew as a 4-year-old to not bother my parents with how bad I felt about anything - except about death - because having or showing emotions other than positive ones is a taboo;

as a 4-year-old (that was as far back as I could remember), I had mastered the art of giving a sunshine smile upon request, even when I was upset and feeling like beating the daylight out of the very person I had been asked to smile to (the only thing i couldn't smile to was the camera);

I never bullied anyone smaller (in size AND in age - I might be young but I had my principles)than me - why bother when my beating up of anyone male and bigger was fully condoned;

I knew what I wanted, asked in grammatically correct English (to say that bad English is frowned upon is a gross understatement) for whatever I wanted, then waited for my request to be processed, and whenever the outcome was a "no", I always had the option of throwing a fit behind the doors of my own room, and I would be spared the cane so long as by dinner time, I was all smiles again - negotiations and appeals were never part of the process, not that it mattered to me since they never existed in my dictionary and it was only a week ago that I realized it was not unreasonable, and definitely not a crime, for a 16-year-old to negotiate and reason with her parents;

and the list goes on...

But why does it even matter to me what kind of a kid I had been? I'm 35 turning 36 for crying out loud!

It matters because after having lived for 20 years in accordance to the rules (some adhered to and 90% broken, nevertheless, my thoughts and actions were all in some ways reactions to them, and they are what I have been using to analyze everything and everyone around me)dictated by my dad, I didn't know how to live after he died suddenly and tragically shortly before my 21st birthday. He had left me no instruction on how I should think and behave as an adult, so I continued to see the world and live my life based on the same set of rules set by him. The result of not having developed my own rules as I was growing up was a mishmash of moderate success in certain aspects of my adult life and colossal failures in the aspect that matters the most to any human being.

I realized, having come so far in life, that I can't feel what I'm supposed to feel, let alone express them. I can't feel me, and I can't feel others. I can analyze, and I excel at engineering and evoking desired responses from people (I read a lot, love psychology, sociology and anthropology and has a degree in human ecology - what I know about people I've really learned them from books, not from having experienced the full range of human emotions myself or by observing and understanding others) but I generally and genuinely can neither FEEL their feelings nor appreciate their right to feel the way they have chosen to feel. I just KNOW for a fact that THAT’s what someone’s feeling, and my inclination is to immediately – instead of acknowledging and giving it support – attempt to establish if there's anything constructive I should and can do about it.

I realize today that I've got to be the most self-centred person I know - I had expected everyone around me to see the world as I see it... And I would never have come to the realization had it not been for D's devastatingly heartbreaking "you're a 16-year-old trapped in a 35-year-old body" comment and the 5 hours I spent with my therapist.

When my therapist gave me 2 assignments - the first was to recall incidents from my childhood and describe my feelings about them; the second, to start identifying my feelings and EXPRESSING them when interacting with D - I didn't show up for two consecutive sessions because I couldn't do my homework. I thought about them everyday and dreaded the very thought of them by the third day. The only feeling I ever knew and understood and expressed without reservation was rage, only to be told that anger or rage is not even technically a feeling but merely a manifestation of a set of deep-rooted feelings. Kill me, please, someone, anyone.

But I did it. I went back to see AiMei with my completed assignment. And at the end of the session, I was told that I need to start giving myself and others the PERMISSION to FEEL.

I'm stumped again. I can't help but adore AiMei for her ability to keep giving me things I would actually bother pondering on, exactly what I need to distract myself from all the things that I shouldn't be thinking about in my current state anyway.

But I'm exhausted. I don't know if I have the stamina to reorganize my very messy life and I don't know if I can go on pretending that I can totally live with all the hurt I've caused others. For the longest time, I've convinced myself that as long as I'm willing to bear the consequences of my own actions, I am free to do whatever I decide to do. Never once had it occurred to me that my actions could cause people around me irreparable emotional damages. Because until recently, I've never felt - my heart was an uncharted territory - it was virtually impossible to break me because I always recovered from pain in matter of days. So I thought. And I expected the general population to be like me. I couldn't have been more serious whenever I said that "I have no choice but to get out of depression - I have a short attention span".

But now I can feel. I can feel a little of what I should be feeling, and a hell lot of what others have felt. Justice is being served at last. I'm being punished. The feelings of my victims are so overwhelming I feel like I'm lugging 200 tonnes of weight with me everywhere I go.

A small price to pay for self-knowledge, I suppose.


She (From Jules in Jumbles 12 Jun 08)
I can't help but noticed how much I'm talking to myself these days. And I don't mean talking aloud to myself or talking to my mirror image. I talk to a copy of me in my head. It's as if there's another me living in me. The one that's been locked up, suppressed and muted since I don't even know when.

I know I'm not crazy. But it's a fact that I keep seeing her. She crouches by a dark corner somewhere in my head and never once spoke to me. She's so little and so frail that I can't bear to scream at her when she refuses to even acknowledge me. I know that we're not on the same wavelength and she's too immature to understand or respond to me but I desperately need to connect with her.

I desperately want to be confined again at CDC. The one month that I was left in total solitude was by far the happiest days of my life. I guess it was during that period that she was allowed to come out from hiding, and she was happy.


Mumbo Jumbo
Most of those who have come to know me really well would tell me that I should start writing a memoir. To them, my life has been a drama and most people don't want to be me. To begin with, most people on this safe little island wouldn't have chosen to take the path that I've taken or made the choices that I had made that landed me in one trouble after another. The bulk of those I know live a peaceful, uneventful life, and they seem contented that THAT is the way to live.

As for me, the time for me to want to swap places with them has not come. Maybe 30 years down the road, when I look back, I might regret all the wrong turns and pointless detours I’ve made in my life. But for now, I’m contented with what I’ve been given – the people I love and the good and bad things that happened -, and I accept who I am today as a result of the decisions I’ve made in response to each event that unfolded in my life.

That said, what happened in the past few months did make me sit up and reflect on many things I have done which I can’t say I’m proud of.

For months I berated myself and allowed others to feed me with information on what makes a decent lady. For the first time in my life, I wished I had conformed – not that I’ve been making it a point to be different.

But as I slowly picked up my shattered ego, I learnt that I don’t have to fit into moulds cut out for people who can’t live unless they are accepted and loved by all. I began to appreciate that there’s nothing fatal about not being the kind of woman that appeals to the general male population.

And this is the part that I’m most glad about: in the process of dealing with the aftermath of D-day, I was forced to confront one of my greatest fears – that of having to acknowledge that I’ve caused others hurt.

It was a necessary step in my quest to find myself.

Because whenever I’m lost, I’m destructive. The whole time that I struggled to fit in, I was bitterly angry that the expectation of people and the society I lived in necessitated such an endeavour on my part. I didn’t know who I was, why I reacted to things differently from many people around me, and why it was so difficult for the person who mattered to me the most to love me for who I was, whoever he had figured me out to be. And when I did make an effort to be “perfect”, I became angrier, and defensive, whenever I felt I’ve fallen short. The way I’ve chosen to cope with a perpetually disappointed D – who had by then built a fortress to shut me out - was extremely vindictive: I gave what I thought was everything he wanted from me to someone else.

It was not pleasant at all to play someone that I wasn’t. And the ending of the story sucks big time.

To the person that’s crossed my path at the wrong time - I can only say I’m sorry. Everything that I did, I’ve done it because of D and for D. I needed an escape while staying put in D’s life. Had I been a stronger person, someone who at least knew who she was, and was comfortable in her own skin, things between D and me would have turned out very differently and I wouldn’t have needed an outlet.

I’m no longer striving to make up for what I’ve done. I have accepted that such is a time when not doing anything is probably the kindest thing I can do for the person whose life I nearly destroyed because of my wilfulness.

And today I’ve come to terms with the fact that disappointment with people and things is inevitable and in fact a norm among the human race, and hence I should feel no less of myself whenever others feel let down by me.

My only responsibility now is D.

Pilot said this to me one day when we were on the topic of “should”s and “should-not”s: “There’s no such thing as a universal rule (when interacting with people); there’s only your rule, or my rule. As far as I’m concerned, I’ll only feel bad if I break my own rules.”

Pilot never fails to amaze Seabloke and me.


Hate to be loved (From Jules In Jumbles - 28 May 08)
I used to think my mother hated me. Today, I still don't think she loves me. I knew she hated me when she was asked to give up her business (which was not doing well anyways, because running a profitable business is really not her forte) to stay home with me as I prepared for my "O" Levels exams. Each day she'd tell me how she hated having to make sacrifices for me. Most of the time, I would ignore her and make serious attempts to focus on my studies. It got to a point where my dad had to send me to my granny's so I could get the peace I needed to concentrate on preparing for my exams.

It never occurred to me back then that her blaming me for her lost freedom would have profoundly affected the way I handled relationships as an adult.

Right after "O" levels was over, I was sent to Canada alone to further my education. Life was a bliss. At 16, I was finally free - free from the tight chains of my dad's control and free from the constant yearnings for a cold mother's love. For a good 5 years, I never once thought about home and I wasn't lonely. I had many friends and I always had a boyfriend. I was always good to my friends, expecting very little from them, and yet always making a point to be there for them when they needed me.

My boyfriends were not so fortunate. Looking back, I realized I demanded the world from them. I was able to convince them, without having to put it across explicitly, that to make me happy, they would have to make huge sacrifices. Yet, when they did, I would immediately lose whatever feelings I had for them and would make a dash for the exit in lightning speed.

This happened to whoever that summoned enough courage to pursue a person as difficult as I was. I desperately needed to be shown love and to be shown that I was worth the sacrifices that one had to make to be with me. Yet I was repelled and completely disgusted by ardent suitors who seemed happy just breathing the same air that I was breathing. For a long time, I thought nothing of the disturbing trend. People around me thought I simply loved toying with men's feelings. I never bothered to defend myself because I knew that that wasn't my intention. But whatever good intention I started with, the outcome was always bad and someone would always end up being hurt by my sudden retreat, at precisely the point when they were the sweetest to me and thought I was "the one" for them.

This has caused me to wonder if the reason that I'm still with D today after 15 years is that I never ever got what I wanted from him. D's one of the most brilliant and ambitious persons I know, but he always seemed so distant. I admire and adore him and always wish he would one day be sweet to me like the others had been. And just like the way I waited for my mother to give me a warm, loving hug (all I really hoped for as a child and then as an adolescent, was just a gentle touch on the forehead by her, and I wanted it so badly I began to get recurring dreams of her doing that!), I waited - albeit impatiently - for D to show me some fiery passion, and some signs that I'm all that he's living for...

My life has always been filled with dramas - and I had no one or circumstances to blame but myself - and I've gotten so accustomed to them I never really bothered to learn anything from them.

But what happened 3 months ago was traumatic enough to stop me in my path and make me ponder on the things that I've done and the effects they've had on people around me. I decided at last that it was time that I seek professional help.

One of the many reasons that I think AiMei is amazing is that she's so far the only person who could convince me to go into the very place that I've made a point never to get anywhere near - my heart. Upon her demand (well, it's an assignment...), I gave visiting my heart a shot and took a peek inside for some signs of life. I survived to attend the second session.

After the first session, I was asked to revisit episodes in my childhood - something I used to condemn counselors for doing to their clients (to me, bad memories are best left where they belong - in the "Delete" folder, for permanent obliteration upon our logging off from life) - but something about AiMei made me trust her and I've since the first session been retrieving from my "Delete" folder memories of events and incidences from my childhood days.

Something that kept coming to mind today was the scene of my mother blaming me for her being stuck with me. She felt like she was sentenced. "Looking" at the scene as an outsider now, I feel terrible for her. She was stuck with someone she couldn't love, and probably didn't want and didn't need. I wondered if this had somehow at some point in my life caused me to draw the conclusion that if someone would willingly give me his time, his energy, his entire world, his life if need be, then that would be proof that he indeed loves me. If it did cause an impact in the way I evaluated my relationships in my adult life, I sure as hell was not conscious of it.

So why did I feel like bolting whenever someone offered his full devotion and entire being, even if he was someone I was initially attracted to?

I begin to look for answers in my mother. I imagine that I acceded to her request to meet up and catch up, and, she hugged me.

That very thought of her making physical contact with me, and her attempt to connect with me emotionally, immediately sends chills down my spine. Not only am I NOT looking forward to her affection, I detest it and am freaking afraid that I would be obliged to reciprocate!

Now I'm truly troubled. Have I been projecting these feelings onto those that I considered capable of breaking my heart, the same feelings that sent me fleeing once the object of my affection started giving me more than what I thought I deserved?

Or is there a remote possibility that I've simply gotten comfortable with just LONGING to be loved and cherished? Could it be the case that whenever someone came into my life to fulfill that yearning, it always left me feeling as if I no longer had what was to me the most powerful force that drives me to better myself everyday? And hence my immediate reaction was always utter disgust; and natural inclination, to immediately expunge the unfortunate guy from my life. Is that really who I have become?

Goodness gracious, I do have a malfunction.

But wait, Seabloke loves me and shows me her affection freely and yet I adore her and totally enjoy being with her! It's baffling. But I do have some sort of a theory: if I were to look at my life as some kind of cruel experiment that comes with variables of all kinds, Seabloke has certainly been the only constant in it. She was always the protective sister who gave up her tidbit, her money, her time, her energy, basically, her everything, to make her siblings happy. She is still today the same affectionate, albeit a little bossy, sister that she was when we were all children.

While my dad loved me and gave my life meaning and direction, he left abruptly, without warning. But even my dad had expectation of me. The only other person I feel who truly loves me, and is still in my life today, is Seabloke. And she never judges me. We always joke about how we lament having no choice over who we have as siblings. But really, given a choice, I would pick Seabloke over and over again. In fact, I won't want anyone else as my baby sister. I don't and I won't.

Land loves Sea!!

Currency Pairs (Correlating and Inversely Moving)

Correlating Pairs:

EUR/USD and GBP/USD
EUR/USD and NZD/USD
USD/CHF and USD/JPY
AUD/USD and GBP/USD
AUD/USD and EUR/USD

Inversely Moving Pairs:

EUR/USD and USD/CHF
GBP/USD and USD/JPY
GBP/USD and USD/CHF
AUD/USD and USD/CAD
AUD/USD and USD/JPY

Commodity Pairs - AUD/USD, NZD/USD, CAD/USD

AUD/USD

• Australia: 3rd largest exporter of gold
• AUD/USD: 80% positive correlation with gold
  

NZD/USD

• NZD: Positive correlation with health of the Australian economy.
• NZD/USD: 88 % correlation with gold (stronger than that of AUD/USD)

USD/CAD

• Canada: Largest exporter of oil to US
• USD/CAD: 81% positive correlation with price of oil; rising oil benefits USD/CAD the most of all the FX pairs
  

To Paper Trade or Not To Paper Trade

Comment from Common Sense:

i'm sure people have told you that FAKE money is 100% different than trading real. Remember, if your expenses are 2k a month for rent and food, you really need a trading account of about 50k. If not, your profits will have to be extra-ordinary -- which is why futures traders take crazy risk, leverage, and usually blow up. You need 2 winning days every 3 to make it. You cannot have more than 1 really bad day every 2 months. I made 10k a day on FAKE money, it's soo unrealistic that it's 100% useless. You'll see. Fake money, right now i'm short 100 contracts. If i get stopped out I will buy 200 contracts, and it's all dumb.

Try to fund an account and trade 1 contract and then see how it is with real emotions at work. If you take too long, trade too quick, execute wrong, overtrade, anything...ur emotions change and it's drastic. I've been trading for 15 years, trust me, I have a clue. I just think paper trading really builds horrible habits. My 2 cents.

I want to thank Common Sense for sharing his views and experience regarding paper trading.

Over the past 2 weeks that I've switched to paper trading, I've been receiving comments from traders who are for paper trading, and those who see little to no value in paper trading. Both groups spoke from personal experiences and I respect what they have to say about the pros and cons of paper trading.

Personally, I think paper trading is useful to the extent that it is used for its intended purposes:

1) For identification of the idiosyncrasies of each instrument that the trader is exploring: how it behaves (NOT how I behave) under different market conditions, how it behaves at different time of the day, what it reacts to most of the time, etc, etc

2) For finding out the right size to trade for each instrument - and this of course is directly linked to how much the trader can afford to lose should he lose. For me, I take into account how much I want to achieve too.

For ER2, 1 to 2 contracts is good enough for me, as 1 point gain and lost is $100. Besides, ER2 has an average daily range of 20 - 30 points, and is highly volatile .

For NQ, a 1-point gain is $20, its range is not as consistent as that of ER2, and in my opinion, is not as volatile as ER2. If I trade 1 or 2 contracts, that WILL make me OVERTRADE.

That said, I noticed that 10 contracts is not ideal, for reasons that I will reveal only after I've accumulated enough data from my paper trades.

I do have a funded account, and was trading ER2 with it before ER2 moved to ICE. I'm just not using it now coz I'm not ready to pay the market for a lesson on trading psychology YET.

To go right into the market trading something that I don't know intimately is like going to war without a strategy, without my ammunitions and without any form of protection. It's no different from just standing in the open and inviting my enemies to put a thousand bullets into my body.

Soldiers are not sent to the battlefield without having gone through trainings and mock exercises.

Students have mock exams and tests before the real thing.

Citizens go through drills to prepare them for terrorist attacks.

Stage performers have rehearsals before the big day - American Idols' finalists rehearse God knows how many times before they step before millions of audiences.

In all of these examples cited, the "FAKE" is supposed to be treated as if it is "REAL". The only thing that cannot be tested and practised is really the "emotions" related to such experiences.

My brother is a pilot. Before he was allowed to fly a real plane, he clocked many hours of flying in "fake planes" - don't ask me what those gadgets were, I just know they are planes that don't actually take off.

Then comes the part where he flies a real plane with a trainer or first officer beside him. God bless them should my brother decide to do something stupid - coz accident can and do happen in trainings.

He's now a qualified first officer who can fly alone, but of course we know that the standard practice in commercial airline industry is that no pilot flies alone. My point is, no matter how good my brother and his co-pilot is, the risk of the plane coming down is always there.

But had he not gone through stage 1 and 2, "risk" is no longer relevant.

We will be looking at "certainty" - the certainty that the plane will surely come down, if it ever was able to go up in the first place.

I'm between stage 1 and 2.

I'm in stage 1 when I know nothing about an instrument.

I was in stage 2 when I was trading the ER2.

In 15 years' time, I might progress to stage 3. And I do believe that there are traders in stage 3 - many in fact - those who know their planes, are responsible enough to coordinate with the maintenance crew to ensure that the plane is safe for take-off, and have all the contingency plans at their finger tips. Should accidents happen, they would know how to troubleshoot so they don't have to make an emergency landing, and if they really have to land their planes, they would have the experience, knowledge and skills to land with as few casualties as possible.

According to Pilot, he has seen so many things that were wrong with the plane he was supposed to fly for each assignment that if he were to give me all the details, I would never take another flight.

Before each take-off, it's his job to fix as many problems as he can. He sometimes have to take off with some MINOR problems. His goal is of course always to land the plane safely.

But he started off with SIMULATED flying.

I treat all my simulated trades as if they were real.

If I won't ever trade 10 contracts, I will not paper trade 10 contracts. I am considering trading 10 contracts, and it's through simulated trading that I will find out if it is the right contract size for me. If it's not, I will adjust it. I do not want to find out it's wrong for me with REAL MONEY.

D can be my witness: I DO sweat even in simulated trading, coz I know that if I'm losing that much in simulated trading, I WILL lose that much in real trading.

NQ (Simulated) Trade 10/3

Today's not like any other day.

I went long on NQ.

Right after my entry, NQ did a major correction on 1-min chart.

At the same time, D commented that NDX is diverging from the other indices. Baffled, he went to the list of NDX components to see what they are doing.

Apple was down 2-3% - probably the reason that NDX dropped drastically.

Almost immediately after D found out what was moving NDX, CNBC reported that it was rumored that Steve Jobs had a heart attack, but that companies like Yahoo and Microsoft (Microsoft's Xbox is a smashing hit) were doing great.

I switched to my 30-min chart instead.

Decided that it's time to switch to a higher time-frame to filter out the noise (yes, rumor of one company's CEO having a heart condition in a sector that's generally doing well today is noise).

D and I went out for a smoke.

My unrealized LOSS was at $2000.

D had no idea I went long, coz I hardly take a long entry.

I told him about my entry when we were taking our breather. When asked, he replied he hadn't a clue why a bear like me would be bullish today.

I said because everyone's just too bearish. And on briefing.com, I've seen on a few occasions empty rows under sectors that had a gain.

Most importantly, you have a country that has been printing money like nobody's business wanting the market to go up by hook or by crook in an election year.

I have reason to believe that there'll be enough speculators betting on the long side to support an uptrend.

The bailout sequel is but icing on the cake.

Econ data (job data) was bearish AS USUAL - so routined that if the market were to pay any attention to it, it's probably only coz there's absolutely nothing else exciting happening, which is not what we are seeing these days. The market has been totally mesmeric!

Besides, the market LEADS the economy.

Yes, as a scalper, I am supposed to pay attention to news.

That's why I switched to a higher timeframe to get out of my scalping mode. Coz my conviction is strong, and if I can't trade my conviction on a 1min chart, it makes sense to me to zoom out and look at a chart that tells a bigger picture.

And what I saw on my 30-min chart was a double bottom (Sep 29 and Oct 2).

So, I came back from my break and NQ was climbing.

It was going towards my targeted 1550.

I exited before that, coz 1550 was just an arbitrary number that I chose below 1552 (a key resistance on my 30 min chart).

If it's arbitrary, I have no reason to insist on staying til NQ hit that figure.

I was looking at profit exceeding $1400, and NQ was not exactly going up all the way without retracing.

I decided to take what was definitely a decent profit, and close the trade, coz I was tired.

It's been a long day.

Al's not getting better - I'm hearing a new organ that's not working in perfect condition every time I visit - and his stay at the clinic has been extended.

Granny fell this morning - she suffered a massive stroke. I signed a form authorizing the hospital to administer a treatment that has its risks but was necessary to save her life. Was told an hour before market open that she's not likely to make it coz the entire right side of her brain has been damaged.

I'm tired from running around and tired from asking myself ceaselessly if I've made lousy decisions whenever it comes to life. Have I been getting my priorities all wrong? Why did i not visit the person who came to my rescue when I was penniless, alone, and owed a whole year's college fees in a foreign country as often as she had always loved me to?

Seabloke's much stronger. She was asking if the wake could be held at my place. And she said it had to be held Buddhist-styled with all the chantings that never fail to haunt me.

I find comfort in my charts, and a D that strokes my head and understands that my granny does matter to me.

Trade


Realized P&L


NQ 30min

FX (Simulated) Trade 10/2 - Close Positions

A loss of nearly $500 was seen before I turned in at around 2pm EST.

Closed positions. Haven't the chance to study the charts. Will be with Al at clinic for the whole day today.

NQ and FX (Simulated) Trades 10/2

3 scalps:

Got home 10 minutes after the opening bell, and by the time I settled down, I've missed the much awaited plunge.

Well, I wouldn't have gotten in anyway, even if I've gotten back before market opened, coz I've been away the entire day (was home for an hour when the clinic closed for dinner - to feed and keep Keisha company as she has been acting really strange with Al coming and going - and had barely 10 minutes to look at my FX charts before I had to leave to pick up D, who was anxious to visit Al).

On any given day, for me to have any conviction to swing that plunge, I would have to start watching NQ before 7amEST, latest.

Anyway, I scalped, and had to sit through 1 retracement each for the 2nd and 3rd entry.

Knowing the behavior of the instrument has proven to be as important as knowing myself when it comes to deciding when to cut loss.

In time, I might be taught a lesson that would crush my confidence - for now, the behavior of NQ before lunch is something that I've become rather familiar with, and without any drastic change in market sentiments, I'll trust what I'm seeing on my chart and the lines I've drawn that I've kept for days:

In green is the time frame where all my trades today were taken:


I've hit my daily target, and it's the time of the day that I'm supposed to stay away from the market.

So, am calling it a day.

FX positions opened at 10am EST:

NQ 10/1 - AAR

Just thought I'll do a brief AAR for my simulated trade today:

So, I didn't get an entry before 9:30am EST - needed NQ to test 1588 (pink dotted line on 30min chart below), and it didn't do that until market opened.

NQ 30min

Switched to 5min and 1min charts after market opened, and waited for NQ to break out of 1580 to 1588 range.

When it did, 1min chart was used to ensure that movement was going to be DOWN all the way - at least for the whole time that I'm in position.

Got in and out of my position within the 10 am candle on the 5min chart.

Reason for exit: the range of that candle was about the length of the bear flag pole, and I was getting uncomfortable (no math involved, just my eyes doing some primitive estimation).

After I got out, NQ went down an additional 6 points before retracing.

Didn't bother me.

The only feeling I have after closing a winning trade has always been that of relief.

I don't have to get greedy - the 10 contract size has been effective in keeping greed at bay, for me.

Having a daily target helps too.

NQ 5min and 1min

Black dotted line at the bottom of the 30min chart was my DREAM profit target (it's possible for NQ to hit that today, I think). It's also a support that I'd use if NQ were to continue to plunge and if I were to trade the after-lunch session.

With NQ, I've been trading ONLY the 1) pre-market, 2) before-11am, and 3) after-2pm sessions. These seem to be my money windows - giving me profitable trades that don't make me sweat first.

The prevailing bearish sentiment and atmosphere of uncertainty is something I can use to plan my FX trades for tomorrow.

It's past mid-night here - time for me to take a shower and hit the bed.

Sending Al back to the clinic tomorrow morning. He will have to stay there for a few days so that he can get his drip to flush out the enzymes that are making him sick. I'm going to have to bring a good book to read - if I can't bear leaving him behind, I'll stay with him til clinic closes.

So, likely to open FX position during US market open. Not my favorite play, but if the market offers an opportunity, I'll take it.

NQ (Simulated) Trade 10/1 - Done For The Day!

Finally, MY PLUNGE!! Not awefully impressive; still a plunge (on 5min) nonetheless


Totally worth the wait!



This is by far the best - went into profit immediately. Thanks to Book Trader (Actually, thank you, HPT, for demo on your site. I didn't even realize there's such a tool on IB).

Total P&L for FX and NQ : $3277

FX (Simulated) Trades 9/30 and 10/1 - Closed Positions

Closed all positions at 9:44am EST.

They are distracting.

Total FX P&L for 9/30 and 10/1: $2275.42

NQ time!!

GBPUSD Trending Down

GBPUSD's looking really good for shorting (scalp - BB on hourly chart widening, and daily chart shows a support that's not so near that it makes you want to run today).

Simulated trade on the pair is now making a decent profit:


GBPUSD Hourly:


GBPUSD Daily:

FX (Simulated) Trades 9/30 - Update

Not as ugly as 10 hours ago...


Daily charts are still looking good. Not getting out.

FX (Simulated) Trades 10/1 - New Positions

New positions.

Current PnL: $833.33

Closing position (not waiting for price target to be hit) coz:

- hourly charts are hitting resistance,
- BB is not widening, and
- most importantly, daily charts are not supporting hourly trend.

Just meant to be a scalp anyway.

Hourly Charts


Still holding trades from 9/30

NQ 9/30 & FX 9/30 - Update

It's 11am (11pm EST) - got up 3 hours ago (it's a public holiday, so I didn't have to get up at 7 to make breakfast. D is still in slumberland... I have to type VERY SLOOOOOWLY to not wake him up....).

Saw Al lying on D's tummy (I have to say I was a little jealous coz back at our old home, Al's ALWAYS on mine) when I woke up. He has been happy coz for the first time since we move in to our new home, he's been allowed into the bedroom (Other times he could only watch us through the glass door that separates the living room from our studies).

I'm happy too coz he actually demanded food! For the first time in 3 days!

I fed him, watched him eat, and watch him do all his peeing and pooing (no it's NOT a fetish - jeez that's twisted - I need to help the staff at the clinic keep a record...), then followed him around as he looked for a spot to be massaged, and he just couldn't make up his mind, as usual (what's with cats??)!

Massaged him for a while, then made my own breakfast.

Sat down in front of my computer with my breakfast.

Turned on my monitor, and this was what greeted me:


And this:


Ok, so far so good. At least I now have some sort of idea how my PnL fluctuates over time when I keep my positions opened.

Whenever I open my position at 2 -4 am EST, keeping them to 9:30am EST will usually turn them from green to red (ie profit to loss).

Still it depends on what I'm trading.

For the past few sessions, I've been trading mostly JPY crosses, and I've not really studied my hourly charts to see if they usually retrace/correct during US market open, so any conclusions made at this point would be premature at best.

Yesterday was the first time I open positions during US market open.

I was making about $300 plus in total for the 3 pairs before I turned off my computer to serve the masters of my household (Al and D only - Keisha is THE OTHER little slave girl) at 4pm EST.

Extremely slow movements - compared to the $2000 to $3000 plus that would have had been made in the same span of time (ie. about 1 hour into trading) during europe market open.

Well, we'll see what happens later for both NQ and my FX trades.

D's up.

Time for a smoke!

NQ 9/30 and FX 9/30

Clear bearish divergence.

If you're not plunging today, you're likely to plunge tomorrow.

If you don't, that means my FX is continuing to make money.

Hur Hur Hur.....

My FX Trading Screen - Jumble Land!

On my FX screen:


Second Row: In trade (Simulated)

First Row: Waiting

Third Row: Maybe....

Fourth Row (esp GBPCHF): Not quite sure what they are doing

4 JPY crosses on the right: No play.... false hope in the market's likely going to keep them hovering around support

FX (Simulated) Trades 9/30

Nothing to do for NQ - it's still going up, although MACD has been showing bearish divergence since market opened?

Traded FX instead. Entry time: 2:50pm EST


This is the P n L for now


Wating for short entry for EURUSD and AUDUSD. Hourly chart's not showing what I want to see yet. But soon.....

NQ 9/30 - When Will You Plunge??

2 hammers on 1min chart sending NQ from 1557 to 1564. BB is widening, suggesting NQ might just continue to go up to 1567, albeit visibly painstakingly?

Plunge, NQ, PLUNGE!!!

After lunch.

NQ 9/30

Think I'm looking at a bear flag + head & shoulders in the making...

The backbreaking climb up today from yesterday's plunge is telling of a market that's not taking the failed bailout very well YET.

Having said that, as I'm writing, I'm seeing a failed bear flag.

Still a laborious climb up though.

A confused market where bears are not sure if the market has seen its worst yesterday and are covering, and bulls are baffled, beat and BROKE?

If NQ doesn't hit and stay above 1575, it might just give the bears some nerve to hammer it down on the bulls.

As always, I'm waiting for the PLUNGE.

To 1540, then 1520?

Let it be 1520!!!

Wonderful Gmargtrader

After this posting yesterday, gmargtrader sent me something that I could really use (see chart below - to see enlarged version, please visit gmargtrader's blog at http://gmargtrader.blogspot.com/ or click on link above), with the following comment:

I have tried to make a picture. You can find it here:

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf7MiEULQN8fNIPGgsBZpw-EsNCb1bt9i9hJKquBHpPa7OvAAVrzHv5ho64YkkxOl8p8jH11Z8_c_Gl1HXW2kE7-_RMu9Wft8gTES_Iq9bbc5qLKHRfxnT-9a8WzSpFV4Q6u6j1og6VULp/s1600/Sep+26+NQ+(5min)_mov.JPG
or http://gmargtrader.blogspot.com/

the first picture.

If you want I can write something about SL settings.

Greetings



A big THANK YOU, gmargtrader! :-)